Little (sick, frail, nauseated) Womanly One

The name Carolyn translates to either "free man" or "little womanly one". Today, I am a sick, frail, nauseated womanly one.

I've been feeling so out of it lately. I was wondering what caused my truancy these past few days (I knew it wasn't my usual self-deprecation, there was something slightly off)- IT'S BECAUSE I'M SICK. I don't eat healthy. I at most eat a slice at pizza at Dominos, whatever I can get at Mediterranean Express, or whatever I can scrounge up at home (which is nothing). Today, I slept through my morning class (again) and had to leave my socl class early because I felt faint.

I have been unable to keep up in school. Working full time is not cutting it for me. I can't seem to juggle a balanced life. fail.

I need to quit dominos or at least cut back on hours. Or find a better job that pays more than $8.55 an hour. I was thinking of getting an internship... but the only paper that I would actually consider getting a non-paying gig at would be The Stranger. Cmon, my form of journalism is reading The Onion and actually consider it hard journalism. The stranger seem almost too perfect. almost.


ahhhh. tired, wired and ruining way too easy. I suck at this. I just may have to go throw up now - but there's nothing in my stomach to throw up.. these are trying times for Carolyn (sarcasm)

If you walk away, I'll walk away

My alarm woke me up at 8:30 a.m. this morning. I opened one eye, grunted, cursed, said 'nope', turned it off, and curled up into the fetal position. This was six hours ago. I have now just awoken and am eating leftover Mediterranean Express from last night. In laymen's turns: I hella slept through my classes.

Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" is running through my head at this moment. You know the line... "we don't need no education, we don't need no thought control... etc etc, teacher! leave them kids alone!"

god. I hate college. funny how I plan on going to grad school after this so I can procrastinate some more and rack up an even larger student loan debt... just so I won't have to actually start working a 9-5 gig. maybe I can work at Domino's for the rest of my life. (ugh)

Which reminds me... I have to go to work in an hour and a half. goddamnit. goddamn it all to hell. You know, I only made $4 in tips last night. $4!!!! I delivered all night to one white person and 10 black people. now, I KNOW my theory is correct! Black people are hella cheap! The $4 tip? All from a white girl that lives on capitol hill. NOW WHO'S RACIST???? not me!

I do have a story though. The guy that works at Mediterranean Express usually gives me free food when I come in at night, but I haven't been lately because I don't get breaks and I've been getting out about 2-3 hours after they close up. Well, the guy actually comes inside Domino's and inquires where I am. I get a call from up front, go outside, puzzled as to who would want to speak to me, and lo and behold he hands me a little lunch bag! Guess what was inside! A lamb kabob sandwich and spanikopita! He remembers my order and he just gave it to me! NO! Let me rephrase! He FINDS me to give me a little snack on my runs! Man, I usually hate people, but they sure know how to prove me wrong sometimes. People are fucking nice.

It's such a nice day, well, from what my weather widget tells me - it seems like it's a nice day. I haven't left the house yet, the room is dark, the curtains are drawn, but Macbook tells me it's 45 degrees out and the sun is shining. I wish I could go down to Pike Place and walk around, it's been forever... but I have to go to work. I wanted to go to the Fremont Flea Market this sunday because I haven't been back since summer, but alas, I am also working in the morning. who the hell orders pizzas at 10 a.m. on Sundays?


I guess I need the hours. I have expenses (lolz). rent, groceries, gas, a pair of vintage chanel earrings at VU's on layaway, New Zealand trip, new lens for my camera, new cell phone (mine's been crapping out on me)... random shit that when I really think about, I ask myself "do I really need any of these things?" I understand the essentials. maslow's levels of hierarchy come into play: food, shelter, water... but then again carolyn's levels of absolute necessities somehow squash poor maslow: chanel, photography, traveling, communication.


I am a liberal arts degree major after all. And the worst kind too: journalism. One of the easiest degrees to get. Too bad I can't even wake up to go to classes.

I am crap

I am a terrible writer. A buffoon. A fraud.



This day sucked a fatty nut. I don't want to go to an hour information session on sanitation at Dominos. I don't even have a food handlers card and yet they still make me make pizzas. HYPOCRITES the whole lot of corporate America.



goddamn

There and Back Again

Flew to JFK. Bussed it to D.C. Spent the night in a hostel. Was near the Lincoln Memorial at the 3rd jumbotron when Obama was sworn in. Bussed it back up to NYC. Walked around Central Park. Got a tattoo on my last night in the city. Flew back to Seattle/The Shire/home. The end.

Washington D.C.; International Student Center Hostel

Washington D.C.; The National Mall

New York City; landscape view from Central Park

New York City; en route to Union Square

New York City; NYU/Liz's dorm. Aubrey Jackson - fellow traveler and companion

New York City; East Village tattoo parlor
The alternative title of The Hobbit in runes translates to: There and Back Again






Gandalf:I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to find anyone.
Bilbo Baggins: I should think so — in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!
-JRR Tolkien "The Hobbit"



Oh, the life of a weary traveler.

Goodbye Seattle

A great last day before I head off to New York City tomorrow. Wish us luck.... too bad this day by the lake went by too fast.


love, carolyn

come on, skinny love

yeah, they're gorgeous girls aren't they?

"It's just pizza, kid."

I just came back from a 10 hour shift from working for The Man. The Man is known as Dominos. Dominos is Corporate America. Carolyn is another ant working for the fat pregnant queen bee. I am tired as fuck. I have no life. I wake up, go to classes, come home, take a nap, work late into the night, come back, take another nap - repeat. Hell, I've been so tired and busy that I haven't had time to blog lately. Now that's just absurd- I ALWAYS find time to blog!

Well, I've picked the worst opportune time to blog. I have class in 7 hours and an essay due. I foresee a dragged out all-nighter. I feel like crying. Wudda a load on my plate. I am officially trying a hand at a so-called balanced life: school, work, relationship, friendships, social obligations... it's a trying time and I am exhausted. The idea of waking up in the morning to begin another day kills me a little bit inside. I do all of this to afford the "good" life: the ability to be financially independent from my parents. Such shit. I am so tempted to quit, call up the folks and ask them to send me a fatty check. But what good would that do? I'm nineteen. I'm not 14 anymore. It's time to grow up. Suck it up: work hard, study hard, and play hard.

I am making hella bank though. I get around $30-60 in tips a night. I enjoy the company of my co-workers, being able to smoke in my car, explore Seattle, listen to my own music and experience the joy of getting a nice fatty tip. The people that work at Dominos are an interesting bunch... I have become quite chummy with the other fellow drivers. They treat me like one of their own. I think they find me a little amusing though. A small, frail, woman delivery driver. One of a kind. They are beyond nice to me and I am grateful for not getting a bunch of douchebags; instead they tell me all the little secrets on how to navigate around the city in a more efficient way and they always have my back. I have become good friends with the two Indian drivers - they are always happy to see me! It's a nice feeling. I have also become friends with a UW kid, he's 22 and married. Who on earth gets married at 22? And get this - he married a Vietnamese girl. lol. The white guy and the asian girl stereotype again. Hilarious. These people are quite a bunch of characters and I enjoy their company immensely.

Everytime I walk into Dominos, I feel like I'm learning some great big important life lesson. Pay attention, Carolyn - the universe is trying to tell you something. First of all, let me state the obivous. The cheapest people in the world aren't jews. They're fat black guys that order Dominos late at night and never tip you. NEVER. They count out the EXACT amount - right to the penny, and they say "have a good one" and stare at you until you leave. I've learned my lesson tonight. Don't ever loiter around a fat black man hoping they'll grudgingly cave and give you a couple of dollars - it ain't gonna happen. I've already tried it many times.

Second, according to Kevin (who lives in Wallingford ,whose favorite movie is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and whose idol is Hunter S. Thompson), he told me the world's greatest advice that I've ever heard in my entire fucking life: "It's just pizza, kid." Isn't that just fucking mindblowing? It IS just fucking pizza! For some reason, when he said those words to me, I just got this big slap in the face epiphany eat your heart out self-deprecating whiny little girl: it is just fucking pizza - not the end of the world.

I have definitely explored enough of Seattle... eastlake, montlake, judkins park, capitol hill, downtown, ballard... fuck. People are lazy as hell. It's called carryout. jesus.

This job definitely has it's perks. Mediterreanean Express has been one of my favorite Seattle haunts to grab a bite to eat at ... and now I get to eat there for FREE. "For you kid, everything here is on the house," Kristal, the head chef and manager. "For the new Domino's delivery driver." Even Tacos Guyamos is being really nice to me as well - everyone always waves to me everytime I get dispatched and walk past their window. Free food and tips. I never have to go hungry again.

I already have quite a few interesting stories under my belt. A guy I delivered to a few days ago actually rang up Dominos again, ordered another pizza and requested that I delivered it. Everyone in the whole fucking room starting laughing. They thought it was the funniest thing. I guess they never had someone request a driver before. Another similiar incident - I had to deliver an order to 410 4th Ave, which is apparently a fucking correctional facility lol. So, the guy, "Harris" comes out, gives me the money, grabs his shit, and grudgingly gives me a dollar in tip and walks inside. I go back to Dominos, I get another order to deliver to the exact same place. 410 4th ave. The order is from a "Jim". I go back, go inside the scary place filled with bad people that have done bad things, and it's the same guy. "Jim" is "Harris". "Harris" is "Jim." He just wanted to see me again. jesus lol. Seattle, you're crazy.


I am debating if I shoudl take a fatty nap before I attemp this essay. It's 3:30 a.m. and I hate my life.

But then again, it's just pizza, right?

And so it begins...

Oh my god. I battled Seattle traffic today (and that is no easy feat) in the pouring rain to get to fucking Kent for the fucking Domino's Pizza new employee training session. To get to the I-5 S, it took me 50 minutes from the Wayward Home to the goddamned entrance to the freeway. JESUS. I was late. Naturally. I have no time-management skills. It was basically me, Bon Iver, a couple of Lucky Strike cigarettes, sideways rain, and a whole lotta fucking cars for two hours. fuck.

I burst into the room and lo and behold, I witnessed the saddest and ugliest bunch of people to ever congregate in a room at once. I silently slinked my way to an empty chair and second-guessed why on earth I was working there. Or was even hired. Am I hideous as well? Do I not feel? Do flowers instantly whither away when my smell is amongst them? Do mirrors shatter when I attempt to look into them? My god. lol.

I'm kidding. The job seems actually cool (besides the ugly people and apparently I am grouped with them as well!) - I am almost always in my car, I listen to my own music, I can smoke (but only in my car, against company policy to be exposed smoking and wearing a Dominos uniform), I am always from the supervisor for large increments... I mean, honestly, what's so hard about delivering pizzas?

There is one thing I am sad about though/concerned with. I look like a complete dork in the Domino's shirt and hat. : ( oh woe is me... carolyn looks like a dweeb..


I think I'm just going to start paying off my debt in pizza. what a life.

Who will fight?

The same song is on repeat. Thank you kindly, Cherlainewoman, for introducing me to Bon Iver. I enjoy his music a lot. It snowed in Seattle last night. Gosh, it sure was fun. I love that Seattle people don't know how to handle snow... they freak out at the smallest snowflake; it's kinda funny. I haven't attempted to drive in the snow yet, I think I'd rather just not...

First day of a new quarter/(not really) year. I don't know how I feel about it. I guess I'm just burnt out on the idea of college and yet another writing class I have to take. My professor is ballin' though, a bit awkward, and I suspect his mind is somewhat deteriorating, but goddamn that man loves to write. lol, he has suggested we all start blogs to improve on our writing. oh, prof. G, if you only knew the bullshit I write about in my blogs. random shit nobody really cares about. just an extension of what I think about daily, what constantly runs through my mind all day. I blog at strange times and mostly for no reason at all. there is usually no plot.... kinda like this particular blog that I am currently tapping away at my Macbook right now.

prof. G: I quit smoking 30 years ago. It got to the point where I couldn't begin to write unless I smoked a Marlboro. I guess I'm an okay writer now. But damn.... I was such a Marlboro man... *trails off*

hilarious. very poignant to my situation. except I just smoke because I hate my life, not that it enhances my writing or anything.


I still feel scattered, unsure of what today is, what errands I'm supposed to run, who I'm supposed to meet, if I should go fetch my textbooks... a million random fucking questions that I really don't care to answer. I awoke from yet another fatty nap (haha, and so marks another quarter in the life of a shitty undergraduate... the fuckin nap) and I am listening to Bon Iver on my headphones, in the dark (it's only 3:14 pm!) and wondering if I should leave the house. I think i might actually leave the fuckin' house. Why the hell not? I'm just full of surprises today, aren't I? I do have to talk to Dominos though.... hrm.



godDAMN bon iver is good. the combination of the dreary weather, my apathetic mood, the ambiance of "the shire"... goddamn goddamn, I love it when people give me new music to check out. you always get that small apprehensive feeling before you begin to really listen to the entire cd; thinking 'fuck not another indie band with a one hit song' but godDAMN and I say godDAMN, that moment when you listen to a really good fucking song and boy, do they prove you wrong - it's a beautiful feeling. I'm going to wear out this one song (because god knows I play things on repeat until they reach the triple digit mark on itunes, and then I get sick of it - hell, aubrey gets sick of hearing the same song everytime she walks into the room)


ramble ramble, I'm just procrastinating from actually getting up, getting dressed, and walking outside. okay, here I go. hope everyone's first day went well/not so shitty.


...I'm going to play it one more time though. : )



love, free man

Oh my God

I love that feeling of waking up, vision blurred, smudged eyeliner, pounding headache... and you lay there awake for awhile thinking only one thought: "what the fuck happened last night?" It's a beautiful feeling and a great way to start the new quarter/year. Happy Birthday, Ella! You can finally buy me alcohol instead of the other way around. Funny how that works.

My liver needs a break. I believe it is dying on me, this week has been nonstop drinking. I have a job, school is starting tomorrow, blah blah blah be more healthy blah blah.

Yeah no seriously though. I'm never drinking Big Bear in front of people again. I had no idea Big Bear is such a weepy drink. Maybe because I've actually never finished it before.... but still, FUCK. Three nights in a row of drinking Big Bear and I always end up crying/emotional. Fuck you big bear. I never cried after finishing a shitty pabst 40z. Oh well...

It's 2:01 p.m., I awoke a mere half hour ago, tried to figure out what went down last night, and decided to blog because I thought it was a great night (aside from the weepiness).

Alex and I went to Westlake to say hi to Kelsey (who looks absolutely lovely) because she was bored at work. She gave us a free crepe and I bought her pot. It was brilliant. Then we decided to pre-game at Umi's happy hour in Belltown. I tried warm sake. disgusting. had some sapporo draft; pretty good. I still think though that the best beer I ever had was in Canada over the summer... what was it called again? Honey lager? something like that. the sapporo draft had a similiar taste, but of course, it was missing the honey lol. Then we headed over to Ben's place for Ella's 21st. After reaching the point of shittyfuckingdrunk, I don't really remember what happened after that. Cherlaine has informed me we all starting singing "Oh Darling" together at one point and she dropped to her knees. A lesbian apparently hit on me and I was unaware she was doing it. And apparently Lisachang and Aubrey spun me around. Yeah. Sloppy drunks. All of us. Love you, Ella girl. Hope you enjoy being 21 and fabulous (as always). Sorry we're all a bit embarassing lol.


I enjoy change. I usually make change happen. But, I am worried about this quarter. Things are going to be different around the Wayward Home. A new "roommate" will be arriving and staying with us for three weeks. Cherlaine won't be over as much anymore, I will sorely miss her. I was on Facebook and walling each other's conversation. I loved summer. It was basically me, cherlaine, lisachang everyday at shinkatea. I miss summer.. I found the best wall post ever:

"this is our daily routine. cherlaine works at shinka at 6. I come in looking apathetic. she immediately starts her cigarette break, I of course, follow. we look apathetic together. she goes back to make Diner Dash a reality and makes more tea drinks for the slews of Asians that studies all the fucking time. she takes another cigarette break. I follow, of course. she goes back, repeat. I tell her to make me a goddamn drink. she calls me a bitch and makes one eventually. she kicks everybody out early. closes up shop. we drive back to the apartment and I throw more insults at her and she tells me to stop being an ass. and now she is taking over MY air mattress and I have to be the bitch and sleep on the floor next to her. the end."



sorry, now this blog is just an endless ramble. I am just going to have to embrace everything that comes. good and bad.


Thank god I'm leaving for NYC in two weeks. Can't wait to board a plane to JFK, take the subway to union square, and walk into a bar and order a gin and tonic. wuddup future city/home of carolyn/charlie.

Dear Dominos

Thank you very much for hiring me on the spot. I would be delighted to be your newest delivery driver. You guys seem hella sketch though, but that's Broadway for you, so I completely understand if you people may be a little bit... off. (Although, it speaks volumes that I instantly got hired by you guys. I suppose I can officially declare myself crazy as well/group myself with you people.)


Favorite quotes:
Sketch Mexican Cook #1: You're applying as a driver? YO BOSS, this girl's applying as a driver!
Sketch Mexican Cook #2: You go girl!

Carolyn: So, I was wondering if you guys were going to give me a GPS system or something to find my way through Capitol Hill?
Manager: Uhm, we have a map we can give you. You can read maps right?

Manager: *glances through my application* How come you didn't fill out the previous employee section?
Carolyn: Well, see---
Manager: *cuts me off* Doesn't matter what you did. You're hired.



fuckin' ballz. 2009, what a year so far. Carolyn and George together as a team, working for the man and making bank for rent and beer. OBAMAAA!!!

Jesus

Germs have infiltrated my body once again. I have no idea who keeps getting me sick. I can't tell if it's the Wayward home that is full of invisible germs or if I got sick from someone from back home (Thyvu?? But... I got YOU sick from MY germs, so that means, I got myself sick..?) I woke up hella hungover this morning and wheezing a fit.

I have many things to do today. Such as... apply at Dominoes as a delievery girl, pay for rent, purchase a supply of contacts, purchase my textbooks (fuck), get groceries (livin' off 40z and eggs. what a life.)



I just want to curl up tonight with a book and read. Anne of Green Gables sounds lovely. and maybe a bottle of wine.... or another 40z. hm... or maybe I should take a break and not drink at all? HAH, good one carolyn. I mean, charlie. fuck. I may just grab a gin & tonic at cafe presse and make my way towards a 40 with Anne of Green Gables at my side and some T.I. playing in the background.

yep, sounds lovely. I hear it's going to snow tonight/weekend too. that may make driving a bit more precarious.... perhaps I could even get snowed in. that might be fun too, with all my girls and lots and lots of alcohol.

I'm done. Sorry.

drunkin rambilngs

my god i am drunk... fourht night in a row.

free write. free man. free life. be free, be free to love, be a free man

what the fuvk is it all about? i can get off a plane and be in a difeferent city, but what does it even moean? what would be the point to step off the plane, with your luggage in tow, kissing your loved oned on the midway, and be without? am i the only one that thinks about this?

am i a drunk fool? or, do i have reaonsoble backing? knowledgE? education? love? life? friendship? relationships? career? the funn thing, i don't give a fuck.

I'm sick of being the person that makes the first move. I'm done. I hate forcing myself to make something 'real' happen in my life. fuck you.


I'm done being someone that waits idly by. I fi want to jump off a plane, I might as well. If iw ant to go to New tyork City on a whim, might as well. If i wanted to travel to the moon, and sightsee the atmeposhere, why not? I'm a free rambling man. I'm no Charlie, but I'm Carolyn, and for right now, that's good enoguh. right?


love, charlie. I mean.... carolyn.

I can't explain it.

I am drunk for the fourth night in a row. I have nothing to say. make believe people, life's real, you are basically fucked. don't explain love to me.


"She suddenly felt incredibly exhausted. The weight of a million lives came crashing down on her shoulders. The fear of the dark, the palpable loneliness, it was too much for someone of her physique to deal with. Simply too much. Her scrawny body was the outcome of leading a double life for far too long. Oh boy, how awful it must be to be stuck inside her mind. Her deteriorating mind had become a waste. Another waste due to abject misery. Another brilliant mind lost to the Age of Aquarius. She was just another stray dog living in this crazy fucked up world. That was all she was certain of, and for that, she shivered under her blanket as she looked out at the snow that had suddenly begun falling sideways. That was an indicator that it was becoming harsher, falling more rapid than before; the temperature was dropping. As the world was losing heat, she was losing the battle… and she knew it. She had no other alternative but to curl up as if she were sixteen again and cry. Oh, how she cried that night. The tear ducts that hadn’t shed a tear in over a decade suddenly burst open. There was a crack in the dam.
That’s all it ever takes, just one little crack."


love, charlie