Sunday, May 31, 2009

Farewell New York

Watch the last episode of Leno as host for The Tonight Show. He interviews Conan O'Brien before Conan goes on tomorrow night as the new host. James Taylor is the musical guest.

Cheesy ending. Good interview. Am shocked that I was slightly sad towards the end of the episode. I never much liked Leno - I always preferred Conan's snarky interview-honing skills, but 17 years is a long time to dedicate yourself to a show (or to anything).

Fun fact about Carolyn. In my four years of high school, I never missed a single episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Re-runs and all. I would never leave the house until after the show was over - or I would completely forgo leaving and just stay in. What came first? The misery or the Adonis that is Conan O'Brien? Was my high school experience miserable because of Conan - or was I miserable before I met Conan? Did my quasi-jungian persona surface because of this man? Or was my pessimism and apathy just faux characteristic flaws that I created for myself to avoid social interaction?

We may never know. All I know is that Conan goes on tomorrow night.

I need to find a T.V. to watch it on. Anybody out there in the 206 area willing to give me a seat on their couch to watch the premiere tomorrow?

Please, for the love of Conan and all that is good out there let me watch the show!

Weekend Warriors

What did I learn this weekend... I am apparently unapproachable and intimidate people. This is not news to me. I make people nervous. I still do not know the reason why though. Nor have I uttered the willpower to actually care.

-Went to a party in Ballard to celebrate Alex W.'s 20th birthday. Do not remember much. Woke up with smeared eyeliner and very drunk.

-Had dinner with my very good friend, Justin from California and spent hours talking and catching up with him. It was comforting. Cathartic even.

What else did I learn? Any life lessons? Life changing epiphanies? The dichotomy between science and God? The reason why Leno is still on the air? Or Carson Daly for that matter?

Not really, no. What I've learned is that a pomegranate cosmo cocktail at Rock Bottom costs $10 - I did not know this until I got the check. I also came to the realization that I am over bullshit. I'm done waiting and have chosen to officially move on. He does not love me. Hard words to swallow, but I accept it. Talking to Justin was a friendly reminder of who I was in high school and who I am now. I guess I'm a woman now. I have matured into my looks and the person I had hoped to become when I was 13. Man, was I dorky-looking in high school. Braces, big ol' glasses, terrible hair, real scrawny kid. A real geek.

What am I now? I have yet to decide. Hopefully, I am part of the GNP party. Genuinely Nice People party.

Peace and love to everyone. The weekend ain't over yet.

See, the luck I've had can make a good man turn bad.
So, please, please, please let me get what I want.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Fuck my mediocre life

I am so disgusted at my time-management skills [or lack of]. Crunch time is all the time for me as of late. Am pretty much done with this quarter. Sick of school. Sick of where I live. Sick of being unemployed loser bum. It is 1 a.m. and I have finally buckled down to start this article that is due tomorrow at 1 p.m.

As of late, my interests have been aimed towards:
-Krautrock [interesting genre. experimental funk? That's how I would describe it.]
-young Morrissey pictures
-rummaging Value Village and Everyday Music for good deals on CDs. Just recently acquired the LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack for 2.99. Life is so good.
-attempting to watch everything that Miyazaki has worked on/breathed on. Nausicaa was good. Totoro not so much.
-happy hour is every hour
-Tao Lin
-LSAT prep. fuck.
-several failed attempts at trying to purchase plane ticket for home but have realized that I need money to do so. possibly will be going home June 10/11-19th and will return forthwith to the Emerald City for summer school.

I've decided to only take one summer class - potentially another one, have yet to decide. Will work all summer. Save money. Road trip/couch surfing with Xxxtina to Chicago, Twin Cities and Cleveland this summer within a two-week span. Maybe another city if we can squeeze it in... Virginia? Am excited to live in Seattle this summer and travel to some of Uhmerika's greatest cities. This is Uhmerika, goddamnit.

P.S. The iphone nano? You are ridic, Apple.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Baby, it's you

No one is more culpable for my misfortune than myself. I take full responsibility. Life is getting more cumbersome by the minute. More awkward. I am clumsy with my hands. And with men.

I slept through my Spectator interview today. I closed my eyes for a minute and when I awoke it was 8 pm. Fan-bloody-tastic. I also did not win the banner competition for communication students. I came in second place. Not first. Some freshman beat me. (Pure hokum, I know.) In case you are wondering, this post is just me festering in my own self-pity. You are not obligated to continue reading past this point.

My continuous stream of misery has stemmed from the unfortunate corollary of heartbreak. In my haste, I've sought comfort in ways that haunt me at night and render me sleepless. Let's be frank, I am sad and have been for a very long time. Everyone sees it. I see it. I am sad. Though, there has been supposition that I have finally been swallowed completely by apathy and lethargy. I wish that was the reason behind my demeanor as of late.

In light of recent events that have made me question my role as a woman - I still honest to God just miss you dearly, as a woman does and should. I just can't win. I can't move on. I have tried and failed miserably. I should hate you. I should curse your very being. But I can't. I do not know why. Je ne sais pas. But I can't because it's just not true.

List of things I would say if I ever see you again/run into you:
-How are you?
-How's life?
-Are you working?
-Tu me manque. Est-ce que je te manque?
-How's school?
-Ready for summer?

Tomorrow, I get my drum set from Trading Musicians. I am excited to drum again. I have not toyed with a drum set since my sophomore year of high school when I begged my mom to allow me to take drum lessons. I am also looking forward to Folk-Life this weekend. I have never gone before. Darth Vader's Rage Theory plan on covering Skinny Love sometime this weekend. It's going to sound so sick with the drums.

I have replaced all attempts at coitus for learning world capitals and music (if you can call Darth Vader's Rage Theory music). For example, Montevideo is the capital of Uruguay. My knowledge of world capitals along with my lexicon has been greatly expanded. Why is this? I have nothing better to do with my time but to try and occupy my thoughts as best as I can. A woman involved in unrequited love does bizarre things. Like OD'ing on Miyazaki films and watching Howl's Moving Castle, My Neighbor Totoro, and Whispers of the Heart within the past few nights. Possibly Nausica tonight as well. Along with a sad attempt at starting my history essay.

You will be successful in love. And a bottle filled to the brim with potable booze. Cheers to this weekend.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

kills me how great this is

that line... 'go find another lover - to bring and to string along'. one hell of a classy line. I should have thrown it at your face yesterday in a blaze of glory. Instead, I chose profanity and the palm of my hand.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Oh, Mother Superior

My life is ridiculous. I cannot fathom why the most ridiculous things happen to me. You are fucking insane. This day needs to end and you need to leave this school and this city forever. No more awkward run-ins. Have a nice life. Thanks for thinking so poorly of my character, you're certainly no peach either.

My god. Are all men like this? I am throwing in the towel. I am laughing hysterically right now because whenever I review the scene over and over in my head - it becomes more nonsensical by the minute.

It's true. Men are dogs and women are crazy. And apparently wearing plaid and having messy hair all the time makes you look like a slut who is willing to fuck anything that moves.

I do not understand. At all.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Darth Vader's Rage Theory

The making of a band was inevitable. (We spend way too much time together). We also all enjoy dabbling in music in various ways. So we've formed a band (very college, I know). We are Darth Vader's Rage Theory.

We recorded a cover of Flogging Molly's "If I Ever Leave this World Alive":

Aubrey: vocals
Cherlaine: guitar, back-up vocals
Carolyn: dulcimer, tambourine, back-up vocals

If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Darth Vaders Rage Theory

Isn't Aubrey's voice darling?

P.S. we didn't know how to use garage band, so we used Cherlaine's crappy recording system. If anyone knows garageband - please give us a quick tutorial of it. kthx.
P.P.S. I don't know if you guys can hear the full version or just a quick 30sec snippet - but there is an option to hear the full version. Just dick around with it; should be 2:06 min long - click on 'press to hear full song'

feedback would be lovely.

Things that make me happy as of late:
-Darth Vader's Rage Theory
-hours and hours of watching/playing Legend of Zelda - wind waker

Friday, May 15, 2009

fuck rejection

I am Tom Cruise in Risky Business. I'm saying fuck it - I'm gonna make my goddamn move. Time is running out. I have three more weeks left of school to do something I should have done a long time ago. And if it doesn't work out, at least I won't regret anything. I have nothing to lose. You will be gone in 3 weeks and I'll probably never see you again.

I have never fucked with the 'Fantasy' before, but now fate has given me an ultimatum. A time-line. This is what fucking happens when you wait too long. Everything happens for a reason. It's a sign, I know it.

lord, forgive me for what I'm about to do.

fuck earth

I don't even know

Thanks to Keoni.. to whom I have acquired all three LOTR movies (I'm sorry, I mean, El seƱor de los anillos. there were no subtitles, Keoni. I do not speak Elvish)- the goddamn extended version - I have lost this entire day. Never, in my entire life, have I sat so still in one position staring so intently at the screen before. I have no idea if it was sunny or rainy today/tonight. I do not know hunger. I do not know pain. I do not feel love. I do, however, know that one does not simply walk into Mordor.

Every time anyone said "there and back again" in the film I would clap for being so awesome as to have that tattooed on my back on a moment's whim at some random tattoo parlor in the East Village.

I have ignored everyone today. From 4 pm to 2:35 a.m., I have sat rock solid still for the second and third film - each roughly around 4 hours long. Yes, there were some distractions that made me pause the film (i.e. Ella -I'm not blaming you, lovely seeing you; thanks for even making an attempt to get me out of the house / and the blip with Alex - not blaming you either, thanks for the food)

I have a job interview in 7 hours. But unfortunately, adrenaline is rushing through my body. My nights and days have been reversed. I stay up all night and sleep during the day.

The ultimate quesiton now though is... should I spend the next 4 hours awake watching the first movie with the extended version - even though I JUST watched the edited version yesterday - or should I attempt to try and catch some sleep so I look somewhat decent for tomorrow's interview with Pirsohky Piroshky at Pike Place?

What the fuck is wrong with me? I just watched Harry Potter yesterday too. I am just pumped with movies that deal with pure fucking awesomeness.

It's officially 3 in the morning. I just want to wield a sword (or a wand) with fellow cohorts and save the world.

Aubrey's brother has given her his password to his website of movies (there are millions - literally, millions of links to movies). My mother has finally mailed me my Gamecube cord and I've been gifted with a slew of newly downloaded movies on my harddrive.

If I shall never resurface again from this hellhole of a basement - remember me not as the girl that died with a controller in her hand or who willingly chose having her own personal LOTR marathon on her computer over going to a bar - but as a slightly absurd human being that didn't really know how to make much good use of her time.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

For those that have been worried/pestering us for details

What went down two nights ago was the result of a vindictive sycophant, nihilistic and petty girl. We should have called the cops - but we chose not to. It was an invasion of privacy. Trespassing. Domestic violence. Whatever it was, it was just fucking psychotic. If you have seen/heard through the grapevine about what went down - or have stumbled upon the broken glass that has littered our front steps, then you have a small idea of what happened. The kitchen is in even worse shape. It is completely littered with broken shit. If you're wondering about what spurred this onslaught of CRAZY, it's because I chose to sell my shit for quick cash since I am broke/jobless and owe people money. That's right. I chose to sell my own stuff for cash to pay off debts and she went ape-shit on the apartment over a pot that you can get at Value Village for a dollar.

We are dealing with it as best as we can. We really can't quench people's thirst for scandalous gossip nor do we really want to or have the energy to. Thanks for your concern and whatever you've heard - it's probably true. So, take it all with a grain of salt and send us some good vibrations. Hell, it doesn't even matter whose side you are on, this is fucking inexcusable. We should have called the cops and you should have paid for what you've done to what little possessions we owned. They aren't worth much, but they held sentimental value - and it sure as hell is worth a lot more than the shit you own.

People like you are the reason why there's no more love in this world. You are an ugly person for wrecking havoc on a place all of us have tried hard to call 'home' this year and for spreading lies about me and the people I love. You have no respect for anybody's possessions. You're just selfish, but I guess you already knew that.

If people are disappointing you, if life's going the opposite of whatever direction you wanted it to go, if you think humanity is disgusting - just kick back and chug a beer. No stress and no worries. The best you can do is love people for their flaws and move on.

Nobody's perfect. I'm certainly not. But I do my goddamn fucking best to love and live with my whole heart. If you give me your loyalty, I will the best goddamn friend you will ever have. In one night you have severed ties with everyone that ever cared for you. I will never understand your motive. Nobody that was present that night ever will.

I have nothing more to say. This is the morning after the storm. I am a calm blue sea.

Peace and love.

I've got your number!

Have you seen me cry tears like diamonds!
Down and down they fly, faster and faster like the speed of our love!
This is where I tell you that, I know love's what I need to work at, oh!
Passion Pit!

And I can't write this article!
My Spectator article comes out tomorrow!
Go check it out!

I'm going to see Star Trek with you!
Girls are fucking insane!
You're a bitch!

impromptu dance party, go! CHERLAINE! CHERLAINE! CHERLAINE!

listen to this song. vry good. I've been procrastinating since yesterday at 7 pm. up till 5 a.m. and now it is 7 p.m. - a full 24 hrs has passed me by and all I have is the intro.

Ive Got Your Number - Passion Pit

-as stolen from Cherlaine's Blog

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I am currently listening to Otis Redding, pounding some Session lager, and skimming through my history notes for my midterm tomorrow. so fucking stressed out.

I got an extension on my blog. It was shit. If you read my article you wouldn't be able to tell if I was joking or not. Jha was very nice about giving me a few more days to work on it. She also took me aside after class and told me that she thought my writing skills were very good and that she was recommending me for the Spectator staff position. what now, bitch! love you, Jha. you my girl.

I have gotten validation from my favorite professor. I feel very pleased. My ego has been boosted from -100 to -99.

I have a million and a half things to do within the next few days. I hate being on deadline. fucking stressin me out. My article for the Spectator is due at 2 pm on Saturday and one of the student bands performing at Quadstock hasn't responded to my email yet. I have three interviews with three different bands in the next two days - but the one band that I really need to talk to is being a little bitch. It's Quadstock not Coachella. This isn't Rolling Stone magazine, it's the goddamn Spectator. So get back to me! PLZ!

I've been running on sugar-free red bull, Stumptown french-pressed drip coffee, and many many cigarettes. Beer is my best friend. I am ODing on current affairs and being force-fed the NY Times. Ga Ga Loc's hong kong style chow mein is my current obsession. In general, I am keeping my mind busy to distract myself from thinking of him.

Tomorrow is a very boring day. I have to pick up my dry-cleaning, deposit a check, deposit some money into Thyvu's account, apply at Pete's Coffee and Tea, take my midterm, interview a student band, re-write my blog(s), go see the play(s) at the Lee center. etc etc.

I am sad to announce though that my trip to CA has been canceled. I don't really want to explain why. Goodbye Christina, I hope you enjoy Thailand. I'll probably never see you again. Nor will I ever meet 6'2" jewish boy (and he sounded so promising).

I'm done procrastinating. I really need to start studying now.

By the end of next week, I will have a job.

p.s. I think you're incredible.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice

I chickened out. Meeting at Pike Place then taking the water taxi to Alki? I'm not ready to move on. Not yet. Especially not with you.

Whatever happened to getting cheap coffee, a couple of smokes, some slices of Hot Mama's pesto pizza and talking at Cal Anderson? I'm a simple girl. There's no need to impress me. I'll buy my own coffee and slice of pizza - all you have to do is show up.

I canceled on him. There were many reasons at play. Mostly because I ran into Kelsey that day and she wanted me to cancel on him so she could set me up with someone else that night. So, I agreed. We drove to Renton Friday night and met up with some of her friends and the guy. It was a surprisingly pleasant night. There was no alcohol or pressure to 'party' - it consisted of drinking Dr. Pepper, playing Apples to Apples and eating frozen fries. He was charming. But there are lots of charming people out there. I drove Kelsey home and then we stopped by Alex's birthday party for five minutes to wish him happy birthday. Homeboy's hella old.

Are people taking pity on me? Thyvu's boy-toy intends on setting me up with some 6'2" jewish boy who uses an inhaler when I come down to CA in a few weeks.
I cannot tell if they are doing this because they love me and they genuinely think I will click with said set-up/blind-date boy or because I have been walking around with the world's saddest face. I am not quite sure why I agree either. It truly must be boredom. Or desperation. Or maybe because I'm hoping lightning will strike me again when I find someone I really like. Which I doubt will happen (at least not for awhile).

I am major procrastinating right now. I applied as a barista for Bon Appetit today and tried a vegan burger at Hillside Quickie's. My AP exam is on Monday and my history midterm is on Thursday. I am being forced to go to The Spectator meeting on Monday night and write an article for them. If you can't tell from this entry, I am listless and bored of life. I can't wait for California and the jewish boy who has apparently never gotten anything less than an A- in his entire life. He sounds like a real keeper.

Current songs on repeat:
Passion Pit - Better Things (thx Cherlaine for introducing)
Animal Collective - My Girls
Hot Chip - Keep Fallin'
Fleetwood Mac - Gypsy
PB&J - I want you!
Bob Dylan - Most of the Time
Hot Chip - In the Privacy of your Love

God is on my side. I know it. Whatever God means or represents, he's on my side.