Friday, February 27, 2009

oh, you're a hard one

That's how she lived her life - a little desperate at all times.

I'm such a homebody. Someone come save me and pull me out of this miserable slump I've created for myself in my little cave that consists of consuming tangerines and an endless pile of movies that are just waiting to be viewed. SAVE ME. Take me out. Make me put on a dress. Lets go see a movie. I'm sick of holing away in my bed all the time.

Sorry for ignoring everybody. I'm really not a terrible person. I'm just a lazy fuck that can't seem to get her ass out of bed to go see friends. Forgive me. I'll be a better person; though it may take some time. Be a little more patient, si'l vous plait.

I am reading D.H. Lawrence and hating you a little bit. Just a little.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

"Wait a minute, Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man."

I've been a vegetarian for three weeks now. I only cracked once for a pepperoni because I was pissed - but that was the only time. My interests have also been leaning towards simple living, but after speaking to Cecille Andrews today (author of 'Slow is Beautiful' and 'The Circle of Simplicity') in her home in Wallingford today - I've been officially converted. I cleaned out my closet today to reduce the pile that we jokingly refer to as 'Mordor' - to see what I can give away, sell, or donate. I've written down what I've spent today to keep track of my spending. I spent $5.86 at McDonalds. What a thrilling life I do lead.

Anyway, I registered for spring quarter. I am taking Physics 293, Communications 222 Intro to Digital Production and Communications 220 - Media Writing II:

9:00-9:50 PHY
10:00-12:05 CMJR 222
1:30-3:35 CMJR 220

9:00-9:50 PHY

10:00-12:05 CMJR 222
1:30-3:35 CMJR 220

9:00-9:50 PHY
1:30-4:15 PHY Lab

9:00-9:50 PHY

Not too shabby. My heaviest day is Monday and I only have one 50 minute class on Tuesday and Friday - so I can work on those days.

Heading down to Pike Place this weekend to turn in my application to that one chinese stall that sells finger foods? wish me luck. I would love to work at Pike Place during spring/summer.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

oh shit

I must have this:

sooo perfect. all those times I eat crumbly edibles over the Macbook, in the dark, stuffing my fatty face, watching anime while fucking up my keyboard keys.... IT'S THE PERFECT SOLUTION

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

freeeee falllin'

past two days have been somewhat hectic. my health has returned. (or whatever was left). have officially reverted back to consuming favorite indian dish from maharaja in sloth-like manner tonight. oh, and the fab veggie sandwich that ella lovingly made with her aphrodite hands today at arosa cafe.

I reread my entries from last night and am appalled at the maniacal state that I was in. my mood was rapid fire. note to self: do not consume more than 10-15 mg XR during a night. dully noted.

my miserable attempt at trying to go to sleep is fail-hardxcore. lesbians are partying as if they own capitol hill. they're partying as if they made it into the stranger under 'party crashers'. it's almost as if they know they've become the shit-factor of the hill. they have fully acknowledged THE POWER. you know the power, the power of COOL.. and it has become a detriment to all of the trolls that live beneath them.. i Mean, the wayward women's... sleeping patterns. fuckkk. lisa has just informed us she texted brian asking him to tell everyone to quiet down. brian's response: "yo girl I'm not at the house. but lady r u 21? come to cha cha 4 drinks on pine!"


anyway, have finally figured out schedule for next quarter: physics, theology and philo 220. i'm talking to my advisor tomorrow to figure out my schedule for summer quarter. see you fuckers later, I'm graduating early! you'll probably find me in the darkest corner of any sleazy seattle bar come next spring quarter - getting drunk off my ass, dodging my student loan officer, and avoiding the blue-collar work I'm chained for life to. I was thinking if I wanted to walk in 2010 or 2011. if I walk next spring, I won't really have anyone to converse/enjoy the moment with.. or I can wait a year to walk with my favorite ladies. or, I could fuck it all and not walk. it's overrated like prom. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to handle the work load to graduate in time, but I just got back my economics paper today. 48/50. I may be hella lazy, but I got some mad skills at bullshit. gave me validation/encouragement that I can do this. liberal arts degree, here I come! new york city here I come! becoming part of the status quo! yeah!

I have to wake up in exactly 5 hours. why? because my whore of a dentist refuses to give me any other slot time but the cursed 7 a.m. slot. I have waited 3 weeks for this appointment - I have no choice but to go. monthly teeth cleaning. (I kid, more like every 3-5 months, or whenever I have dental insurance lolz. mostly more of the latter though. insurance has become a rare commodity these days for me.)

I just have to survive today and tomorrow's midterm - then I'm freee fallllin' (kings of convenience cover, s'il vous plait).

oh, and p.s:

wub ya.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

this is ridiculous

two pills of XR is going haywire in my body. I have never been more distracted in my entire fucking life. what, this is the 3rd post today? maybe because I have a lot on my mind, so it sticks on one topic and focuses intensely on it and then it'll immediately jump to the next one within the next hour and I'll contemplate on it for a longass time... meanwhile, my studying goes untouched. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I shouldn't have taken two pills. I feel so sick. thank god I didn't chase it with pabst. my body is shaking and I dry heaved about an hour ago. something is wrong. now I just can't sleep, my mind is racing. I've said this already. class starts at 10. fuckkk. i hate two hour classes. then after class, i have to drive Aubrey to her dentist appointment. come back, go to another two hour class. meet up with group after class. pretend to care about group presentation. go back to bed, study for wednesday's midterm, but sleep early so I can wake up for my 7 a.m. dentist appointment before going to class. come back. take the world's fattiest nap. awake. take only 10 mg of XR this time to study for socil midterm on thursday. after thursday at 3:30 p.m., the world won't see me. I'm crashing for three days and sleeping in. nothing and nobody will matter to me. not even alcohol. I just want to be alone, in the dark, and sleep forever.

after another round of forced contemplation and wreckless abandon of trying to memorize communication theories - I've decided to graduate in a year. I'm not going to minor in anything. I'm going to take 15 credits this summer at SU so I can leave by this time next year. I'm getting the hell out of Seattle. I may take the extra year to work/volunteer/travel/drink/etc. but that's the plan. I've been debating this topic for a long time now. I really don't want to minor in anything. I don't want to double major. I just want to get my undergraduate degree and call it a day. This means I won't be trasnferring to UW. Why bother? It'll just take me 5 years to graduate instead of 3. I probably won't be leaving Seattle (the city) for awhile though - not until I secure a job, pay off some student loans, save up enough money so I can go to grad school in another city. I've finally made a decision about this. I'll graduate college by the time I'm 20 - then I'm thrown into the real world before I hit 21. That's fucking scary. But I'm forcing myself to buckle down and git er done - cause I'm done with college. I was done with college fall freshmen quarter.

Now I just sound like a crazy rambling woman. You shoudl see me type this blog - fingers are flying at warped speed.

I am nothing without the spring memory of you.

I don't really remember what I was even looking for in the first place.

I crazy crazy miss the memories of us. It was simple. Underrated. Almost tangible. I could touch, smell, eat it - a ghost of an emotion that I've lost over countless confused hours where I tried replacing you with fruitless things like smoking and drinking. I never thought I would miss you. Never thought that at 4 a.m. after such a constant rush of moving and shaking - that when I am alone, stationary under the covers, deep in my thoughts, crying over spilled milk - that the only thought I have running through my feeble body is that I honest to god just fucking miss you.

There is no point in getting in contact with you again. You've moved on. I've moved on. You're happy. I'm not. Opposite ends of the spectrum; you and I. It was fun making you apart of my history though - through all the bullshit, and all your assholery, at least I was a respected woman in your eyes at the ripe ol' age of 13. An ugly duck in front of my own mirror, but for god knows why, a striking and vivacious girl in yours. Now you're just an anecdote I tell girlfriends when we're recounting past encounters, past loves, past flings, past "oh-my-god what was I thinking?", past relationships... over cocktails and with 'When Harry met Sally' in the background. It gives me comfort to know that even though Harry was a dick to Sally, in the end, Sally forgave him.

I wish you the best. Don't forget that we still have that pact when we both turn 35. Look me up in fifteen years. It'll be interesting to see how you turned out. Wonder if you'll still be a prick.

"Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."

I don't know where all this is coming from. I am entirely focused on this one thing, this one emotional crisis (definitely not a breakdown) that is bugging me and I am completely ignoring my studies. The adderall is working... except ON THE WRONG thing to focus on. Instead, I am worse off than ever before. I have nothing but hatred; digging up past memories for references, a timeline to meet, and pictures of you. Too bad I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. There is nothing left for me to hold onto. I just hate you. I say this with confidence because forced contemplation for over 10 hours gives me a lot of time to think. Repressed memories become nothing but residue. I accept what has happened. It's all just simply mounting into this pile of complete horseshit. I am a stupid girl. I hate that you think I'm naive at relationships and love. I hate it. You know nothing about my life or my past. I dare you to fucking call me naive again.

This Machine

I have never felt more alone than I do right now. Just some sad 19 year old girl, hopped up on pills, trying to study for her midterm in 8 hours.

Monday, February 16, 2009


-Animal Collective
-a brand spankin' new pack of Marlboros
-3 chapters of communication theories
-communication midterm
-communication essay
-40oz Pabstitty blows beer
-The Fatty Nap
-socil midterm
-about 3 20mg of XR (slow-release) en route to my grubby and lazy hands within the next three hours
-saying goodbye to you at the airport
-debating mixing adderall and pabst together, but that could potentially end in a health ledger-esque episode, and we don't want that... I think.

I am lackadaisical. What else is new? Been drunk since 2 p.m. ate cold pizza for breakfast. smoked two ciggies. ella fetched me a 40 oz (lovely gal, that ella), been listening to some janis and have moved on to all of animal collective in my library.

so this entire weekend I dicked around with Christina aka bffl from The Orange County days. spent hella money. possibly overdrafted on washington state debit card. and am NOW officially trying to start studying for my two midterms tomorrow.

The official way to deal with all of this is through a tiny little pill called adderall. It's a shortcut through life. The only way lazy fucks, such as myself, and truants (such as myself), who have absolutely NO idea what is going on in class because as a truant, one does not show up to classes- tends to take the easy way out of sticky situations such as this. Thank goodness I am the master at bullshitting my way through life. probs cause my life as a whole is bullshit. kisses!

before I start on this continuously grossing heap of pure unfiltered horse-shit... I'm gonna take a fatty nap. then I'm gonna pop a pill. then I'm gonna pull a jesus christ before it became A.D. era and make some goddamn miracles happen.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Christina's coming

Purchased a vintage typewriter today. Everything works except the letter 'c'. The guy said the letter 'c' is useless anyways. I told him my name is Carolyn. He apologized and gave me a discount.
Everything just sounds so much better on a typewriter. You are blinded by the badassery -on the road jack keroauc - beat generation bullshit that you can't even see past the sea of shiny sparkly diamonds that are really just cubic zirconias: you are a hack.

I need to talk to someone. I need a killer conversation - complete with beer, a disposable camera, a long drive, the seattle skyline, the open road, your best friend, and someone waiting for you back home... waiting for you to come back to them.

a.) I have a fake. Acquiring beer is not an obstacle.
b.) I have three shots left in my disposable camera.
c.) I have George the Super Yaris (who was most definitely not recalled - fuck you 4-door 2009 yaris hatchbacks! see you in 'cute-car-hell'!)
d.) I live in Seattle.
e.) The freeway entrance is right down James - but if you want to avoid traffic, I suggest we either go north or take the exit down Madison st.
f. Christina comes tomorrow. She embodies all the qualities that a 'best friend' by book/society standards should have. Probably more. She is ethereal. Effervescent almost.
g.) I have a boy who I think will wait for me. That is if he doesn't get bored or finally realize that I'm not worth waiting around for.

I have no job. Classes are superfluous in a truant's world. I got nothing but the free world. I also have the affordability to make history on exactly $87.47 (according to my Bank of America statement).

Hey, what can I say... I'm in a chipper mood. Christina's coming. Shouldn't the bells be ringing? Why isn't Zeus himself descending down from Olympia to greet her? Where is the horse-drawn carriage? Where are the slaves? Who shall attend to her every whim? How can you expect a goddess to be a mere filthy human for three days?

I'm kidding. It's just Christina. She once didn't shower for four straight days.

See you soon, homegirl.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

eeerrrbody in the club gettin' tipsy

I have been temporarily suspended from Dominos. Why is this? My car insurance has expired. Thank fucking lord I didn't spend my rent money on an impulsive purchase whim on a.) a couch and b.) a first edition copy of Catcher in the Rye at Powells book store in Portland

I knew I should have left Dominos in a blaze of glory. I should have stormed out of the meeting yesterday, flipping everyone off, throwing my cap on the ground and screaming "FREE MAN!" but I didn't. instead, I walked into work today in my little uniform, tried clocking in, found out I couldn't, was told my insurance expired, and was told to go home until I got the 'problem fixed'.

I got home. Talked to Sarah. Felt bummed. Applied 'Pet Society' application to Facebook. Played with my character for awhile. Listened to Miles Davis and Girl Talk for hours on end. Watched Office Space for validation. Ate vegetarian chili. Chilled the fuck out. Have reverted back to lazy bum slob from unemployment days from fall quarter. I am very close to streamlining some anime, ignoring my homework and taking a fattyass nap at night - only so I have the energy to wake up at 4 am and continue my anime-watching marathon.

someone better beer me quickly.

Monday, February 9, 2009


Current interests/updates:
-Girl Talk (used to listen to them every once in awhile, but am slowly starting to genuinely like him.)
-waiting to hear back from several potential internships
-have switched permanently to gmail. fuck yahoo. they fucked me up the butt.
-eagerly awaiting Christina's arrival
-ditto on 'New York, I love You'
-planning several future trips (chicago, new zealand, vietnam)
-found the password to my lastfm account. started it in 2007 and am dicking around on it because I don't want to write my essay.
-have returned to vegetarianism. it is the fourth day and I've been doing well.
-Sunday night. you + me = :)
-reading the letters of D.H. Lawrence
-I need to run down to Camera West and buy some film to see if my ricoh camera actually works

Current status towards life:
-am burnt out.
-am apathetic.
-am consuming mini peanut butter cups in fistfuls
-am tired
-enjoys complaining
-enjoys shitting on crap life

it is 1:07 a.m. I am finally attempting to start this essay.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Modern day Huck Finn

Started my first day as a freelancer for Vu today.

Life in a nutshell:

-Broken Social Scene was badass live last night.
-Portland tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

the promised land

I have renewed love in Seattle. I'm going back to Eastlake tonight to walk around the houseboat neighborhoods and see the water. Who wants to join me?

I know what I want when I grow up. I want to come back to Seattle and grow old in a house on the water with a billion dogs and a billion books.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

If I ever leave this world alive...

One of the more disturbing days of my life. Grant, a fellow Dominos Delivery Driver and one of my favorite people to talk to at Dominos, passed away this morning. unfucking believable. The guy was only in his mid-20s. I just saw him Friday night.

He had gone to a party on Saturday night, drank a bit too much, drove god knows how many miles per hour- crashed, flew from his window, was in a coma, and was pulled off life support this morning.

I feel discombobulated. I don't know what to say/do. Help.

Okay, new plan

If you help me get through this, I'll come back one day and bow at your feet.


I am sucking hardxcore.

drowning in a sea of work. rejection letters coming and going (I want to be a writer, I should get used to rejection now) where does my rent money go to? rent, groceries, random shit that just accumulate.

forgot to do FAFSA. have two research papers due on the same day. I have to work all day on superbowl sunday because apparently people need their fucking pizzas during the superbowl.

you're supposed to be here and help me through this. this isn't fair at all. This has become some kind of one-way street relationship where you come and go whenever you please and reap the benefits whenever it's convenient for you. well you can just plain ol' suck it.

listening to The Weepies and feeling like weeping myself with a can of beer.

went to the zoo today. wanted to kidnap a fox. went to taco bell and wept over a burrito. what a day.

all-nighter here i come. wonder if I'll finish this paper come morning time. Aubrey and Abby fetched me 7 cans of red bull (lovely gals, the both of them). I can make this possible. I just need to finish by 9 a.m. when I have to go to work.

oh hey, funny isn't it? the world is still going. life ain't crumbling. people are still smiling. the sun came out today. children are laughing.