Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Seattle, I love You

I welcome the new year with open arms. I woke up this morning with a piece of bread sticking out of my mouth. someone had stuck bread into my mouth when I was passed out last night. hilarious. nothing's changed. I am also currently drunk for the second night in a row. continuous effort on my part. am legally changing my name to charlie. sorry. I need a 'writer' name/persona, and right now, 'carolyn' hasn't been cutting it for me for the past nineteen years of my life. I've never felt like a carolyn. did you know 'carolyn' means 'little womanly one'? i thought that was really funny. however... 'charlie' means "free man". isn't that great? I would like to think of myself as a free man. hell, it's the title of my blog. very poignant, dontcha think?

seattle so far has been very good to me. I hate that feeling of stepping off a plane and you're in a completely different environment. I've felt somewhat discombobluated and naked without my glasses; but so far, I've gotten good reviews. I look somewhat older. Is that a good thing? I have yet to decide. I have lived a million lives; and yet, I still feel like a kid. I am the product of suburbia gone awry, a child that grew up too fast, parents that are considered hermits and oddballs. there's one thing that I absolutely hate though. I hate saying goodbyes. I'm sorry for all the people that I didn't get to say goodbye too, sorry for the little fights as well, and for the random mishaps... I'll come back home one day. with a bottle of wine and some tales to tell you. promise.

I am being very careful to spell everything in it's correct format. I am beyong drunk. 40z + little asian girl = don't mix. I foresee puking in my future. Life sure is swell. the 'family' is almost back together. almost. come back soon, sarah...

there's something wrong though. baby's missing. I'm waiting for my baby to come home to me. i hate waiting. I am not too fond of waiting. though, I do love picking people up from the airport. it is good to see familiar faces. hobbit-hole faces even...

i have a quarter of a 40 left. someone is singing. the ordona sisters are dancing. I am home.

love, charlie.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

New York, I Love You

Aubrey and I have changed our plans from D.C. for Obama's inauguration to New York City. We plan on getting drunk on the 20th in Times Square. OBAMAAAAA!!!!

We have booked our tickets. It was only $299. Jan. 19th-23rd. Staying with my friend who goes to NYU.

It feels good being young, alive, wildly spontaneous, and overall absurd. We talked about it for half an hour and bought the tickets within ten minutes. We're in a New York state of mind!

Monday, December 22, 2008


I have been unable to blog or go online (for large increments, facebooking totes does not count) for a week since my sister came home. Her mac has been sucking the internet life-force out of my room. I know you read this sister, so fucking stop sucking all the internet. goddamn it.

Anyway, life has been somewhat pleasant. I've been eating very well lately. Saturday night I had dinner with an old friend and his parentals. Sunday night, Stephanie's mother invited me over for some fine chicken pot pie. All is well with the world. I am no longer surviving off of $1 cheeseburgers from the $1 McDonald's menu. I am hoping that I will be getting more invites this week for a nice homecooked meal. You know whose cooking I miss? Mrs. Peggy Castner. (getting the hint, homegirl?)

My life consists of waking up into the late afternoons, saying hello to my mother as she comes home from work, taking over her beat up Toyota Avalon and going out on long drives while smoking in my mother's car and listening to some fine T.I. It's a nice life, dontcha think?

WELL IT AIN'T. I'm fucking sick of it. It was nice the first week, but this is just ridiculous. I am back in the emerald city in a week, and I cannot wait. I want to hurry home to you, put on a slow dumb show for you... Seattle, here I come!

Aubrey called me last night to collaborate on the D.C. trip. We are the worst people at planning things, especially for things that require lots of little details. Scatterbrains at most, absent-minded most people would call us, not into "details" one might even describe... it's more like we are just really fucking lazy. We got several options going for us, tickets to D.C. are now $400-600. which is fine, Aubrey has her miles, and I have some money saved up (and by money saved up, i mean my rent money). the thing is that the cheapest tickets are NOT non-stop, we have several layovers along the way, stretching a 6 hour flight into 11 at most. perfectly acceptable. I once had 3 layovers to get to fucking Boston. I once took a 35 hour train ride to get to California. I am a GODDAMN TROOPER, GODDAMNIT. I will see Obama's inauguration goddamnit! OBAMMMAAA!! okay, rant over. We're going to D.C. jan. 19-21 (hopefully). We are not spending money on a hotel or anything frivolous like food. We're sleeping in the airport and drinking beer to keep us warm during the cold D.C. winter. YA DIG? OBAMMAAAA!!

That's mostly. it. Oh, but I did get contacts. i've been having a terrible time putting them in. It's like a struggle to put something in my eye. There are lots of cursing, tears, wimpering, grunting... kinda like what sex would be like, I imagine. I motherfuckin hate contacts... but DAMN, I look good! I'm kidding. I always look like a pile of crap.

Oh, but Marco did take me to see the Charmed house in L.A. EXCITING. I wonder if Phoebe saw us coming? haha! Get it? Cause she has premonitions... nevermind.

Anyway, I am no longer internetin' or ichattin'. So, call me if you wish to converse. I probably won't pick up cause I hate talking on the phone, but I'll look at my screen and think "oh, it's so-and-so, how nice."

P.S. I am looking for an invite to spend Christmas with. So if any of you lovely so called "FRIENDS" of mine, wish to extend an invite to join your family, I am totes digging it. Don't mind me if I end up a little shit-faced, I'm used to being the drunk girl.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Popped over to the gas station for a pack of ciggies. The man told me I was pretty and gave them to me for free. FIRST TIME THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I am very excited and in awe. Totally thought this kind of shit only happened to Ella - but NOT ME. The man must have been half-blind or extremely lonely.

California is being very good to me so far. I am thoroughly enjoying my cheeseburger, my Marbs, and another session of Girl, Interrupted tonight.

Are you blue? Do you even care?

I question my abilities sometimes. I need a fucking cigarette.
Riding the train through California, I never realized how big of a state it truly is. To have so much open land, so many people, and to feel entirely alone when night comes, well, honestly baby, it's a gut-wrenching feeling.

I am missing a whole city tonight. I wish for once in my life, I could have a white Christmas. I've always had this pressing desire to have it snow during the holidays. Oh, how lovely that would be... you, me, and some snow.
It's raining tonight. Ironic how it hasn't been raining that much in Seattle lately, but within a few days, it is pouring buckets in California. Guess it knows how much I am missing you tonight.

Like I said, I need a fucking cigarette.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Carolyn is "home"

I was finally able to steal internet from my neighbor (2wire647). After a long and harrowing experience on the fucking train... I am home. My god, the train. I wrote for a little bit on my Mac on the train when I had nothing else to do; it was the point where I had hit critical mass and realized just how much I hated my life:

Oh my god….
Here, I am. On the train. 12:20 p.m. December 12th 2008. And I still have eight more fucking hours to go. I have never endured anything so painful in my entire life (and I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life). I have also never hated my life more than I do right now. My God! Riding the train for almost 25+ hours already is a like a test from God. A fucking Kenyan runs faster than this piece of shit. I was stuck in Oregon forever. I hate my life.
I have never had more awkward/absurd moments squished together than I did on this piece of shit mode of transportation. My first neighbor was a friendly guy from Eugene, Oregon who was only visiting Seattle for a weekend. We had nice chat. He and I. Vry nice. I approved of him. I was very apologetic about my coughing fits, and he understood and told me not to worry about it. You will go places, nice boy from Oregon. My next neighbor that we picked up in Klamath Falls (haha, Christina – oh, I’ve heard stories of what you did here…) was an international Japanese man. I definitely did not approve of this idiot. He was most certainly not an Akiyoshi type! Most ANNOYING fucker I’ve ever come across. Mind you, this was around 6 p.m. last night, and I was trying to sleep. He comes in, with his stupid carry-on baggage, wakes me the fuck up, asks me if that was his seat, sits down, whips out his stupid neck pillows and his stupid face mask, then he falls asleep on my shoulder! My god! My fucking god. I got so furious! I angrily push his head off my shoulder! He wakes up! He apologizes profusely! THEN HE DOES IT AGAIN! I really don’t have anything to do but to type out a list of complaints on my Mac right now. I’m just so angry. SO FUCKING ANGRY CAROLYN MAD.
The worst experience so far was when I went down to the dining car last night for dinner. Traveling alone sucks – esp. when you are stuck in the most hickville backwaters part of Oregon and you are a small little Asian girl. I was waiting to be seated, and the fucking waitress asked if I would be eating alone, and I said yes, so she fucking places me herself in front of the most questionable large, scurly Mexican man I’ve ever met. Now, I’m not racist (maybe a little), but hell woman, I am from SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. We know a questionable Mexican man when we see one! I had no choice but to slowly lower myself in front of said questionable Mexican man. My god, that was the most I’ve ever been eye-raped before. But this time was different, he was eating an herb-roasted chicken and drinking iced tea while eye-raping me hungrily. There I was, eating my congealed crab cakes, trying my damnest to avoid looking him in the eye, and there he was, his eating pattern progressively getting messier and faster, and he would NOT look away. I eventually got so uncomfortable, I didn’t finish my congealed salad and crab cakes and just got up and left.
The train is so much more different than the plane. First of all, definitely no security at all. Second, more room to walk around. Third, the scourges of the earth take the train. And fourth, to get to the fucking bathroom, it’s like walking to Mordor.
Fuck. My batteries are running out. That’s just great. My ipod is dead, my mac is out, and my cell phone is dead (BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTED TO CHARGE THEIR CELL PHONE LAST NIGHT *AUBREY*)

hahahha reading back on this moment when I was angrily listening to TV on the Radio and writing this when everyone was sleeping - I remember just how much I wanted to kill.

Anyway, home is home. Nothing too fabulous. I did however miss my bed. I am so sick of sleeping off a twin sized mattress that fell off a truck that I do not appreciate queen sized beds with a righteous comforter and an actual bed frame. It's fucking amazing.
Yesterday, my grandmother comes into my room, hands me a mini travel mirror and hairbrush, and she says "Merry Christmas!". I have no idea what the hell she meant with that. I already got a fucking haircut - so, really, you old bat, I don't look half bad anymore (is that what she was implying at??? I can never tell with this senile old woman.)
My mother has also commented on my appearance. When she was sorting out my laundry, she takes out my favorite button down shirt and she murmurs to herself. I hear her say a slander about it, so I ask her to repeat herself. She looks up, gives me a wary look and says, "Carolyn, why do you dress so dirty? Is this another one of your "second-hand" store purchases?"
I told her that her face was second hand.
Food once again is a concern among the Huynh household. Since I do not have George anymore, I can no longer whip out to In N Out and purchase a cheeseburger. My mother asked me how I was going to eat for the next few weeks. I almost punched her. She tells me we always have pho. So I can eat pho every single day for the next two weeks. I told her I would rather shove a fatty sewer rat up my butt 3x a day than eat pho three time a day for two weeks.
Christina and Thyvu came over yesterday and decided to haul me along with them to go run errands. I half-heartedly agreed - only because I really did have nothing else to do, and I like hanging with their nasty ass faces.

I really don't have anything else to write about. Christina told me she's stopped reading my blog because I complain too much (hahah!); but then again she's been hearing me complain since 2003. Nothing's changed. I guess I'll stop complaining so much (but what would I talk about?).

It's good to be home. I think.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Carolyn ruins too easy.

Lately, I haven't said "goddamnit" or "fuck" when I wake up. However, I did groan and half muttered a curse when I woke up today. I could tell it was going to be another shit for ballz day in my miserable existance. Oh, how RIGHT I WAS. I groggily wake up in the a.m. to go to the doctor, walk out to my car, and BAM ANOTHER PARKING TICKET. goddamnit. goddamnit. Fuck you municipal court of seattle. George wasn't even covering your goddamn precious sidewalk. You've officially done it. I no longer have any patience for this. I cannot believe I have accumulated over $300 in parking tickets since I came up to Seattle. fuck you fuck you fuck you. Can't believe I got another shitty ticket today. Oh, one more thing.... FUCK YOU.

Went to see my shittyass doctor. The baffoon actually winced at the sight of me. I am losing my voice, and my nose is a leaking faucet. You're a fucking doctor, when someone is fucking sick, their nose tends to be runny. SORRY if I was SO disgusting that YOU JUST HAD TO WINCE WHEN YOU EXAMINED ME. FUCK YOU. The worst part was when I went to Bartell's to load up on medicine for the shitty train ride tomorrow, and the crazy black guy out front gave me a whistle and a grin - then I erupted in coughing fit and spewed mucas everywhere. His exact words verbatim: "heyy girrl how are you--- oh shiet.... damn girl, what's wrong with you?"

I am so pathetic. Am currently debating if I should make a quick trip to QFC and buy a couple bottles of champagne and just get wasted while attempting to pack. I am losing my fucking voice and I hate it. COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN. starving children in Africa. complain. global warming. anti-christ for a president. complain complain whatever. I can barely talk and I just want to punch a baby tonight. Let's go baby punching.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Carolyn's list of grievances:

-Gddamnit. I am so fucking congested.
-I hate my life.
-nyquil/leftover painkillers are definitely not helping me - progressively worse... although, am thinking the painkillers are really the ones at fault. perhaps will stop taking them. maybe.
-fuckin' ballz.
- internet suxorz. can't watch my tv shows at all. the hell am I supposed to do with all this free time? study??
-I haven't had a good night's rest in a vry long time. I keep waking up and having coughing fits.
-so much shit to study for. such shiet.
-apparently, Conan O'Brien is in town - fucking madrona to be exact. He's walked into Ella's coffeehouse several times already (his wife lives in Madrona). FUCK FUCK FUCK. That was ONE of my main reasons for coming up to Seattle for school, i hella knew his wife was from seattle. goddamnit. I'm leaving soon for california and I can barely lift my head from my pillow. I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SO CLOSE TO THE DEMIGOD... and I won't even get to see him.. : (
-Pounding headache along with spurts of little nose bleeds. Small fever arising inside of me. A pile of dog shit looks better than I do right now.
-Can't concentrate. Am debating if I should just stake out in front of Arosa Cafe until Conan comes again. Ella, for fuck's sake, the next time he comes into Arosa PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL. I will show up, bloody nose, voice smeared with mucas, wild woman hair, germs physically visible on my pores... and i will still kiss him passionately and ask him to leave his wife, two kids, and dog for me. maybe not the dog, we'll just take the dog with us.
-I am physically exhausted. My immune system is terrible. Perhaps I shall take Edward's advice and keep eating those saigon deli sandwiches to build up my immune system?
-I am having a coughing fit while I am writing this blog.
-Getting a fatty haircut tomorrow. Am not quite sure how spontaneous I'll be in the moment - but the idea of regenerating the blonde seems quite appealing to me right now... no, maybe not the blonde. Took me fucking forever to get rid of it.
-Most of all, I just miss you.

See ya around, kid.

P.S. The National - Lucky You

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


My body feels heavy. I've slept since 2:30 a.m. this morning till 1:00 p.m. - got up, went to my 1:35 class, ran some errands.... stopped by Little Saigon for a Vietnamese sandwich... came home, watched a couple of episodes of Always Sunny and fell asleep with my mouth open. I've been awake for five hours and basically slept this entire day away. I am sick, coughing, clammy, and I cannot tell if I have food poisoning or not.

What was that thing we learned in psych class? cognitive behavior.... no, wait not cognitive, it was that other thing? where once you are exposed to something that harms you - you basically don't tend to do it again. I do believe this is my fourth case of food poisoning/sickness from the SAME FUCKING PLACE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. this isn't sick hope anymore, this is JUST STUPIDITY. I hate myself. I am absolutely filthy. Disgusting. ABSURD. I do not understand why anyone would take me as I am - I am a complete goof.

Goddamnit. Goddamnit all to hell. What a day.... Carolyn is pretty irritated. Mostly at herself, at her essay that wasn't even DUE TODAY, at her communications group presentation grade, at her terrible immune system, and basically, for being a complete all around idiot. I am a clown.

I'm going to remedy this. I'm going to retreat into the boonies otherwise known as Auburn, WA for the weekend. I'm going to get a fatty haircut on Monday. And I'm going to fuck my psych final so hard. But most of all - I AM NOT GOING TO BUY ANOTHER GODDAMN SANDWICH FROM SAIGON DELI.

I'll make all of you proud of me.

P.S. I have found the culprit. Cherlaine - you are the one that started this whole "sick" thing. I fucking shared that plate of noodles with you when you were still sick. VENDETTA!! Well, it could also be because Aubrey is sick... but I'm still going to blame you. I always do.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Memorable quotes

I am too lazy to blog about my week down in beautiful sunny California, so I shall instead post up memorable quotes that I thought were fackin' hilarious.

Memorable family quotes from the Huynhs' when I saw them for only about fifteen hours on Saturday post-shitfaced-drunken-Mexico:
Mother: Carolyn, I got your sister the new iPod, you know the one with the GPS system installed!
Carolyn: That's great mother, that's fabulous. You got her a $400 shit-for-balls contraption whose only purpose is to dull the minds of the mass hordes of robots. AND YOU COULDN'T BUY ME A PLANE TICKET HOME??

Sister: You know, I missed you.
Carolyn: We'll talk about this later.

Father: Oh, Carolyn! Hello! How are you!
Carolyn: Oh you know, I just got back home from being away for four months, no biggie.
Father: Ah! I'm going to get some wine.

Grandmother: Are you hungry?
Carolyn: No grandmother, I am not hungry, I already ate with my friends.
Grandmother: So, are you hungry?

Mother: My god, Carolyn! Your ears! Why do you have so many earrings in them? You look ridiculous. Why is it that every time you come home, you've changed something about yourself? Do you remember the blonde hair last time? Cause, I unfortunately still do!

Sister: Yo, Carolyn, you want some leftover champagne from last night?
Carolyn: No, I don't think I feel comfortable drinking in front of Mom and Dad.
Sister: Yo Mom, can Carolyn drink the champagne?
Mother: Oh, okay! You can. But be careful, Carolyn. I myself, had three glasses yesterday and I just had the most awful headache this morning.
Carolyn: It's called a hangover, Mother. You get used to it after awhile.
Grandmother interjects: Pour me a glass too!

Father: Do you have a ride to the airport in the morning?
Carolyn: I was hoping, you know, since you are the man that has fathered me for the past nineteen years of my life, that you'd be kind enough to give me a ride to LAX in the morning.
Father: Oh... I don't know about that.

Memorable quotes from Mexico:
Christina: *slaps Carolyn awake at the border* Wake up, Carolyn, quickly! I need $1.50 to buy cotton candy!
Carolyn: Are you being serious right now? You fucking wake me up when I was completely passed out from the alcohol... to give you money, to BUY YOU COTTON CANDY??

Thyvu: Someone is walking home tonight. And I think we all know who it's going to be. *looks at Carolyn*

Thyvu: Can I just have water?
Mexican waiter: We don't have anymore water. Let me suggest a blended lemon margarita?

Memorable quotes from Thanksgiving dinner:
Gorgeous French Man #1: I will always remember you as the small, drunk girl.
Carolyn: Goddamn right you will.

Carolyn: It smells like horny to me.
Christina: Oh god...

Carolyn: Can you do the French inhale?
Gorgeous French Man #1: Ze what? I don't think it's called the French inhale...
Carolyn: Wuddya talkin' about! OF COURSE IT IS!

I was born in California, grew up in Seattle, and is waiting for New York City. And I owe it all to my family of alcoholics, my ridiculous friends, and a few good people that believe in me.