Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A how-to guide on accepting Frump

You can usually tell when you wake up in the morning exactly what kind of day it is. I usually coin this day as "Frump Day". What "Frump Day" usually entails is the innate knowledge that you are generally going to have a bad day--emotionally and superficially. No matter how much makeup you put on or how many times you attempt to curl your hair, nothing is going to change fatum. Generally, I would advise most Frumpers not to leave the house. Avoid it at all cost, you are not doing anyone a favor by appearing outside--especially your reputation (if you even have any). Don't even expect cat-calls from homeless men; and they are usually your best fanbase [them and immigrants].

Don't, I repeat, do NOT complain to your significant other. There is only so much that they can take. In the past, I've used up all my "obligatory compliments" that you usually get without fail and complaint from your boyfriend or girlfriend. This golden age is known as the "Puppy stage", it is a freebie--this is the stage where you compliment each other endlessly. My mistake was going past "Puppy stage" into Grandma and Grandpa status. Every Frump Day, I would turn to my boyfriend of currently 6 months and tell him how frumpy I look today. The first time was cute. The next 10 or 20 times was not so cute. If you are accepting of your mediocrity, expect at least 29 out of the usual 30 days in a month to be frump days. However, do not expect your boyfriend/girlfriend to be understanding past the second day. He/She does not care. The more reasons that you tell them about how terrible you look--the more they will take it into consideration on dumping yo' fat ass. So take heed and shut up. No one wants to hear about Frump Day, remember you don't really matter that much in the grand scheme. Just be grateful that someone loves you. And if you are not currently in a relationship, I suggest you stay single. It's not all that cracked up to be.

The cure to Frump Day usually consists of hanging out with your most successful and most beautiful friends. Be warned, your self-esteem could take a big dive. Drink lots of alcohol smoke lots of cigarettes (but remember, you are trying to quit and the more you smoke the more Frumpy you are going to become as each drag weathers you down bit by bit). You surround yourself with normal and active people because it is a reminder that you are not like them at all. You were never voted most attractive or most likely to succeed in high school. You aren't the trophy wife nor are you going to work for Google. What you are, is part of the mediocre class. You enjoy going to iHop for dinner and you enjoy instant Netflix. You aren't ugly but you aren't terrible looking either. You have a snarky personality that most people like to talk to but don't necessary enjoy your company for long periods at a time.

I am one of the lucky ones, I have a boyfriend that doesn't mind that I am a Frump, but that's because I've blinded him with my winning personality. This method may not work all the time, but you can keep trying (I suppose).

I speak for all the Frumps in the world: Embrace the Frump. Don't let the Frump get to you. Go work your office job and file away everyday. At least you have a job. Don't ever aim high; stay within your cubicle and for god's sake, whatever you do, don't ever watch Bridget Jones (don't fit the stereotype!).