Wednesday, April 29, 2009

forgoe the parable

I am genuinely sad about how this (school) year has ended. I just don't know what went wrong. Do you? Do any of you? I don't regret anything. But I do regret how everything just went to shit and a lot of people were hurt in the end - including me.

I had my second panic attack of the year today in the elevator of Tiger Oak Publications. I had to get the hell out of there. I walked into that office building eager, naive, waiting to piece my life back together and I walked out more confused than ever. All I remember was walking into a room packed full of out of work journalists, kids straight out of college with their degrees still hot in their pockets and the picture was just... sad. There's no other word or synonym to describe it. It was just sad. There were 40 year old men in that room wanting to take on unpaid internships for Seattle Business Weekly because there's simply no other jobs out there right now.

I am scared for my future. I am scared that I am graduating a year early with a degree in a dying field. I am scared of being alone in this cruel world. I won't have the comfort of college anymore to protect me.

I'm going through all my old documents. Every single fucking thing I've ever written and saved. Every single fucking iChat conversation. I even have a document titled 'Text Messages' that I created to plug in every text that I thought was worthy enough to be saved. What went wrong? Never date writers, alcoholics, or artists... because you will get more than you bargained for. We are a miserable bunch. The key to any great relationship is the silent understanding that the other person will fight for you and that you will fight even more for them. You don't cut and run. This isn't a failed marriage. I don't believe in divorce. Nor do I believe that love fades. Love can't fade, it probably just was never there in the first place. And you were just fooling yourself and you made me believe the lie.

I have wasted a year and a half of my life loving some kid that didn't love me back a fraction of what I felt for him. I am angry. I am revolted at myself. He was right, you can't force someone to love you. Oh, but how hard I tried... I am mad that he strung me along though. I would be lucky to never see him again in my life. There is a mix feeling of disgust and deep sadness every time I stumble upon an old memory of us. Hopefully, ten years down the road, I can look back on this moment and laugh about how much time I spent mourning over some boy that couldn't care less. I am sixteen again and I didn't get asked to prom. It's that kinda feeling.

I bought a new dress today for my date on Friday night. I am putting on red lipstick and tying my hair up. Because guess what? I'm not sixteen. And this time, I got asked to dance.

go find another lover, to bring a.. to string along.

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