Wednesday, November 19, 2008

May This Be Love

I am very, very happy for you. I'm glad we talked today; even if it was only for half an hour. Just promise me you'll stop being an asshole. Srsly. You're a dick every time you get a girlfriend and you're a nice guy when you're lonely. I hope me yelling at you to stop being an asshole today has helped you realize that the girl always falls for your nice guy persona and gets sick of the asshole that comes out when you get the girl. So, you know. Stoppit. You know, you're not too shabby of a guy, so don't fuck up something that could potentially bring you some happiness. God knows you need a reason to stop complaining all the time. Sorry we've been so out of touch. Hopefully, I'll see you around again someday. Hey, I still think of you whenever I hear "Maybe I'm Amazed" or whenever I see that one particular Simpsons episode. Just don't fuck this up, kid. I'm counting on you to prove me wrong.

Anyway, I just came back from hearing Annie Leibovitz lecture at Benaroya Hall. She is amazing. Her life is staggering. She also has one hell of a sense of humor; something I never knew about her. Fun fact of the day: Annie Leibovitz is funny. I almost cried when she was explaining how she conceptualized the John Lennon and Yoko Ono picture:

It was so beautiful seeing this picture being presented by her today. I am left shaken. Hands down, one of the most romantic pictures I've ever had the pleasure of bumping into on this big blue earth. Hearing and visually seeing all the works that has inspired her throughout her life has left me admitedly a little heartbroken. I'm not quite sure why, but when the lecture was over, I left the hall with a heavy heart.

I feel strange. I'm not quite sure how to describe this feeling. Oh wait, I think it's disappointment and maybe a small dose of envy. Nostalgia, maybe? I guess what I am trying very inarticuately to say is that I miss first kisses. Does that make sense? Well, this is my blog. My house. So, I can say whatever the hell I want to say. Bitch.

I know it's not a race. But it sure as hell feels like it. I don't want to be the one left behind, like always. I'm such a stupid kid. I know I am. But, I'm not too bad. Right? I like to think I have a heart. It just killed me today seeing how people turn their backs on people that need help. After the lecture, a homeless woman was waiting outside, waiting for the rich fat cats with front row seats to Annie Leibovitz in their fucking trench coats to spare a few cents to help her out. I hated it when they kept walking or they wouldn't even look her in the eye. Not even to fucking awknowledge her existence. I know I haven't been living in a city for that long because I haven't become jaded to seeing a human being in need. Hell, I hope I never lose that feeling. You know the one. Compassion. I gave her what little money I had. A measely 75 cents and Ella gave her a dollar. Not much at all. But coming from a girl that's a hundred dollars short for next month's rent, I tried my fucking best. People disappoint me.

I am envious of people that have a reason to wake up in the morning. I am nostalgic for that knee-shaking moment when I got my very first kiss from a boy. For first dates, first conversations, first realizations when you think to yourself "wow, I really like this kid." I don't know what happened today, but I am exhausted. Hearing an old friend's voice. Hearing someone as great as Annie speak. Seeing a friend for the first time in two weeks, and not even have her look me in the eye. Strange, isn't it? I think I feel too much sometimes.

I think I know what's wrong with me. I think I just really miss my dog. Isn't that silly? I have always related better with animals then people. But oh man, my dog is just so badass. He'll always roll over whenever I tell him a really bad joke, or he'll dance with me when no one else will. I dunno, it's just nice having someone to talk to and not have that person get bored of you or ever leave you for being utterly stupid.

I don't want to fuck anything up. I think I just need a fatty cigarette. Those always calm me down.

I guess I just ain't got no more fight in me. Just another stray dog livin' in this crazy world, waiting patiently for her waterfall.


Ed said...

I want sex. However, I too, feel a sense of being "left behind," but I'd like to think this infantile state of relationships...builds character, whether it be a needy bitch like I am or independent woman, like Destiny's Child. I hope I'm' not wrong, or my life sucks. (more so than it does now) these states of apathy and deep deep empathy cause an internal struggle to find a balance (U lyke dat bullshit don't u) Anyways I feel ya.

Carolyn said...

hey, edward. just so you know something about yourself: you are still the most pretentious indiefuckkid about hiz music that I know of. (and you are still the funniest person I know.)

P.S. sex 4 everyone plz.
P.P.S. I feel ya, too.
P.P.P.S. Send me some more of your pretentious music. plz. miss talking to you about that shit