Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dear Corona(s)

I am super drunk. "Super" is superior than "slightly". I miss you so much. I love airports. People come and go, people say goodbye and they say hello, they say I love Yous and they leave with a sick hope in their haearts for better times. I am going home in a 12+ hours. Christina will be waiting with open arms at the airport, and I will greet her like family, perhaps even a hug? No, that might be a bit too much... although you never know in th e moment what might happen. Yes.. I think I might hug you. : )

I am spending my last night in Seattle with a few good friends and a couple of beers. I was so sad earlier today.... I went to Central in hopes to talkign my teacher into giivng me a good grad,e, but I fucked up hardxcore. I dunno... whatever? I'll take it in stride, with a big fucking leap, hope in my heart, that i'll be okay in that class and classes at Su. it was my fault... I was filled with apathy, uncaring, resentfu;;ll, the weight of responsibitly in getting a degree... it was too much this quarter. But now, I care. Isn't that odd? I actally care. You make me care. You make me want to be a better person.

I have a song for you. Stars - Undertow. Look it up. It reminds me of you everytime I listen to it. I have never felt this way before. I feel scared. I am scared. I don't know what to tell yo,u. I am scared of what can be, of whwa tcould be... I am so used to dicking around or being dicked around with... it's hard for me to focus on the present. I am really scared. I am so fucking scared.

I have a heavy heart right now. I want to hear your voice, your touch, your lips. I want to hold your hand. It's hard to define what this is. Are we more than a drunken blog post? YOu make me want to write. You make me want to care. It's ridiculosu. I am so scared... I am so used to being a crazy, uncaring, self-deprecating woman. But you, you make me feel like a little kid. It happened so quickl, I didnt even see it coming (pun) ha. You will always be the better person on this highway. You have more balls than I do.

I relaly don't know what else to tell you. I am sitting, here, durnk as hell (what else is new), and all I can think of is the day when you can say "hello" to me again. I have never been a sap. I never considered a relationship. (Is this even a relationship?) I am a ramblin' free roaming fuck. But you, you make me want to stand still. Isnt that absurd? You are a bit of a shit though lol. Still slightly mad at you, but I will always want you to hold me (even though you are an idiot for not coming last night).

I am so full of shit. I really am. What the FUCK is going on?? I have always held myself in this image I've created for myself. I am: uncaring, unresponsive, unrequited... and yet, I am waiting on my front steps, smoking a cigarette with this sick hope that you are right around the corner.

Thank god I am leaving tomorrow morning. I am disgusted at the sight of myself. I have never been like this before. I have prided myself on being able to quit when I know it'll become something more. But this? I want to be able to look back on ten years and think to myself, "wow, you were a stupid girl, but at least you took a chance, and that's more thaen anyoene can ask of you."

I am on my fourth beer and still thinking of you. I am filled with silliness and a tidal wave of crashing emotions that can only be descibred as, well, me missing you like hell. I am inarticulate drunk and even sober. I am a goof around you. One day, I'll let my guard down, and you can actually hear mmy normal laugh. I laugh hysterically, I gasp for air, I hold my stomach and tears slid edown my face. It's a sickening sight, and I really don't want you to see it. Only because I'm an idiot when I can't control my laugh.

Actually, I may have let my guard down around you already...

Your apal,
Carolyn hYyuynh


Cherlaine said...

god, we are saps.
i am so happy for you carolyn.
and i am scared too. i think it's natural. especially when you have found someone that you really care for.

i can't believe you're on your fourth beer. drinking more than me? but i'm not worried about holding your hair back tonight. cause somehow, i think you'll be just fine.

mahal kita always.

kelsey. said...

fourth beer? pfffft you kids.
last night i downed a 40 and a couple extra cups from another girl's 40 cuz she couldn't drink it all.
they had a special at the bar we 3 ladies went to...three 40s for 2500 pesos ($3.71). so we drank, played cards, drinking games, drank...and went home. i got back at like midnight and felt pretty buzzed..my brother was making fun of me.
i can't wait until my goodbye party this weekend.