Monday, October 27, 2008

stayin' inside, doing whatever the TV tells me to do

You know your life is over when you start pining over anime characters. I never really got into the whole anime scene until I innocently watched a Bleach episode two weeks ago - and I never recovered. I acknowledge that I have an addictive personality. I KNOW I do. This was proven last night when I stayed up till 4:30 a.m. watching about 25 episodes of Bleach. I pine for the archer guy. He's so hot. I want him to shoot an arrow at me. Then grab me and start passionately ... FUCK JESUS CHRIST. I see the words that I am typing and I have never felt so ashamed.

On another note, world of warcraft is really starting to get on my nerves. I've died maybe about 22 times now. I can't level up. I hate myself. It's so easy, I understand the objective of the game, I know what I need to do, but my brain is missing this piece of my brain that contains logic. I've never had an ounce of logic inside of me - which explains why I easily snap and do stupid shit. Actually, I can't blame that on not me being logical, I'm just a stupid person in general.

Today is a beautiful day. Too beautiful. Too sunny. I am suspicious of the universe. It's just too much "happiness" for me. Which explains why I am inside in the dark, watching anime, continuously dying in WoW, in my pajamas and furiously chewing on a piece of gum to prevent me from smoking another cigarette. I want to say I hate my life - but that line has become too repetitive, too overused, too overdone. I say it the minute I wake up till the minute I go to bed. It's cyclical.
I went to Central today. First time in weeks. Aubrey had to wake me up, she slightly raised her voice at me, told me to get up and go to class. I groan, grunt, complain, tell her she's a whore, get up, put on the same old dirty pair of jeans as always, scowl etched on my face, walk the 4 blocks to central, walk up the 3 flights of stairs... and BAM class cancelled. FUCK YOU UNIVERSE FUCK YOU.

Reason number 3 why the universe is dicking me around today: I go grab some coffee at Stumptown. Fo Free. Coffee Cards FTW. I light up a cigarette, walk over to the library to meet my psych group. Wait inside for 20 minutes only to realize that nobody is coming. I become confuzzled. I walk outside and pace around. Abdul comes around the corner, talking on his phone. I say, "HEY, where is everyone?" He stumbles, turns around, is confused at who this small little Asian girl is, and realizes that it is the same girl that is in his goddamn group. Comes over, apologizes and tells me that the meeting was canceled. Irritation reeks from my pores.
I ask, "why didn't anyone call me?"
"Oh... we didn't have your number."
"I... gave it to you guys...."
"I guess none of us programmed it."
For fuck's sake.

I then proceded to go to UW campus today with Aubrey and we walked around and got pakistani food. We sat around the fountain and Aubrey proclaimed she wanted to be a duck. I smoked a cigarette. It was a real eventful day. Sarcasm. No, it was actually nice. We talked about the future. It's just so murky to us right now. I don't really know what I want to do, but I suppose combine journalism/writing with traveling/non-profit. National Geographic? Conde Naste Travel? Tater? I just want to be able to pay the bills with my pen.

I am often questioning myself as a writer. Am I actually good at writing? I have accumulated a pile of unfinished manuscripts from freshman year of high school till now. Unfinished plots, characters with no depth, various protagonists of the Holden Caulfield-archetype just trying to make it in this world... etc etc. I need to find my niche. I guess I'm funny when I write, but do I really want to be a clown to the mass hordes of robots? Or do I want to go the political route and change the world? Current events? Fashion? Page 6 NY Times? The answer is no. No, I do not. To ALL OF THE ABOVE. I do think that I would do well working for The Stranger though. Why? Because I'm a liberal piece of shit that uses the word FUCK all the goddamn time. They would love me. I would use "fuck" to start off every single sentence - hell, I'll just throw it in when it doesn't even make sense. That's my kind of journalism right there. Fuck.

Oh whatever. I'll say it one last time:
I hate my life.

I am going to go watch another episode of Bleach and die in WoW. Hope you guys are doing something productive/fun in the sunshine - cause lord knows I won't be.


Cherlaine said...

WHAT THE FUCK. you told me on sunday that you were done with smoking.

anyways i had a stitch in my side the entire time i was reading this.
enjoyed it thoroughly.

hope you haven't died in WoW again.

Hitsuzen said...

OMG!!!! jeeez you are witty and freaking hilarious!!!
love you!
haha ishida, the archer guy? lawlz yeah he's pretty handsome. but i know you will LOVE Vampire Knight. Go watch it, sure the manga is better but you would rather watch than read so oh wells~