That's how she lived her life - a little desperate at all times.
I'm such a homebody. Someone come save me and pull me out of this miserable slump I've created for myself in my little cave that consists of consuming tangerines and an endless pile of movies that are just waiting to be viewed. SAVE ME. Take me out. Make me put on a dress. Lets go see a movie. I'm sick of holing away in my bed all the time.
Sorry for ignoring everybody. I'm really not a terrible person. I'm just a lazy fuck that can't seem to get her ass out of bed to go see friends. Forgive me. I'll be a better person; though it may take some time. Be a little more patient, si'l vous plait.
I am reading D.H. Lawrence and hating you a little bit. Just a little.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
"Wait a minute, Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man."
I've been a vegetarian for three weeks now. I only cracked once for a pepperoni because I was pissed - but that was the only time. My interests have also been leaning towards simple living, but after speaking to Cecille Andrews today (author of 'Slow is Beautiful' and 'The Circle of Simplicity') in her home in Wallingford today - I've been officially converted. I cleaned out my closet today to reduce the pile that we jokingly refer to as 'Mordor' - to see what I can give away, sell, or donate. I've written down what I've spent today to keep track of my spending. I spent $5.86 at McDonalds. What a thrilling life I do lead.
Anyway, I registered for spring quarter. I am taking Physics 293, Communications 222 Intro to Digital Production and Communications 220 - Media Writing II:
Monday
9:00-9:50 PHY
10:00-12:05 CMJR 222
1:30-3:35 CMJR 220
Tuesday
9:00-9:50 PHY
Wednesday
10:00-12:05 CMJR 222
1:30-3:35 CMJR 220
Thursday
9:00-9:50 PHY
1:30-4:15 PHY Lab
Friday
9:00-9:50 PHY
Not too shabby. My heaviest day is Monday and I only have one 50 minute class on Tuesday and Friday - so I can work on those days.
Heading down to Pike Place this weekend to turn in my application to that one chinese stall that sells finger foods? wish me luck. I would love to work at Pike Place during spring/summer.
Anyway, I registered for spring quarter. I am taking Physics 293, Communications 222 Intro to Digital Production and Communications 220 - Media Writing II:
Monday
9:00-9:50 PHY
10:00-12:05 CMJR 222
1:30-3:35 CMJR 220
Tuesday
9:00-9:50 PHY
Wednesday
10:00-12:05 CMJR 222
1:30-3:35 CMJR 220
Thursday
9:00-9:50 PHY
1:30-4:15 PHY Lab
Friday
9:00-9:50 PHY
Not too shabby. My heaviest day is Monday and I only have one 50 minute class on Tuesday and Friday - so I can work on those days.
Heading down to Pike Place this weekend to turn in my application to that one chinese stall that sells finger foods? wish me luck. I would love to work at Pike Place during spring/summer.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
oh shit
I must have this:
http://usbgeek.com/prod_detail.php?prod_id=0123
sooo perfect. all those times I eat crumbly edibles over the Macbook, in the dark, stuffing my fatty face, watching anime while fucking up my keyboard keys.... IT'S THE PERFECT SOLUTION
http://usbgeek.com/prod_detail.php?prod_id=0123
sooo perfect. all those times I eat crumbly edibles over the Macbook, in the dark, stuffing my fatty face, watching anime while fucking up my keyboard keys.... IT'S THE PERFECT SOLUTION
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
freeeee falllin'
past two days have been somewhat hectic. my health has returned. (or whatever was left). have officially reverted back to consuming favorite indian dish from maharaja in sloth-like manner tonight. oh, and the fab veggie sandwich that ella lovingly made with her aphrodite hands today at arosa cafe.
I reread my entries from last night and am appalled at the maniacal state that I was in. my mood was rapid fire. note to self: do not consume more than 10-15 mg XR during a night. dully noted.
my miserable attempt at trying to go to sleep is fail-hardxcore. lesbians are partying as if they own capitol hill. they're partying as if they made it into the stranger under 'party crashers'. it's almost as if they know they've become the shit-factor of the hill. they have fully acknowledged THE POWER. you know the power, the power of COOL.. and it has become a detriment to all of the trolls that live beneath them.. i Mean, the wayward women's... sleeping patterns. fuckkk. lisa has just informed us she texted brian asking him to tell everyone to quiet down. brian's response: "yo girl I'm not at the house. but lady r u 21? come to cha cha 4 drinks on pine!"
hilarious.
anyway, have finally figured out schedule for next quarter: physics, theology and philo 220. i'm talking to my advisor tomorrow to figure out my schedule for summer quarter. see you fuckers later, I'm graduating early! you'll probably find me in the darkest corner of any sleazy seattle bar come next spring quarter - getting drunk off my ass, dodging my student loan officer, and avoiding the blue-collar work I'm chained for life to. I was thinking if I wanted to walk in 2010 or 2011. if I walk next spring, I won't really have anyone to converse/enjoy the moment with.. or I can wait a year to walk with my favorite ladies. or, I could fuck it all and not walk. it's overrated like prom. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to handle the work load to graduate in time, but I just got back my economics paper today. 48/50. I may be hella lazy, but I got some mad skills at bullshit. gave me validation/encouragement that I can do this. liberal arts degree, here I come! new york city here I come! becoming part of the status quo! yeah!
I have to wake up in exactly 5 hours. why? because my whore of a dentist refuses to give me any other slot time but the cursed 7 a.m. slot. I have waited 3 weeks for this appointment - I have no choice but to go. monthly teeth cleaning. (I kid, more like every 3-5 months, or whenever I have dental insurance lolz. mostly more of the latter though. insurance has become a rare commodity these days for me.)
I just have to survive today and tomorrow's midterm - then I'm freee fallllin' (kings of convenience cover, s'il vous plait).
oh, and p.s:
wub ya.
I reread my entries from last night and am appalled at the maniacal state that I was in. my mood was rapid fire. note to self: do not consume more than 10-15 mg XR during a night. dully noted.
my miserable attempt at trying to go to sleep is fail-hardxcore. lesbians are partying as if they own capitol hill. they're partying as if they made it into the stranger under 'party crashers'. it's almost as if they know they've become the shit-factor of the hill. they have fully acknowledged THE POWER. you know the power, the power of COOL.. and it has become a detriment to all of the trolls that live beneath them.. i Mean, the wayward women's... sleeping patterns. fuckkk. lisa has just informed us she texted brian asking him to tell everyone to quiet down. brian's response: "yo girl I'm not at the house. but lady r u 21? come to cha cha 4 drinks on pine!"
hilarious.
anyway, have finally figured out schedule for next quarter: physics, theology and philo 220. i'm talking to my advisor tomorrow to figure out my schedule for summer quarter. see you fuckers later, I'm graduating early! you'll probably find me in the darkest corner of any sleazy seattle bar come next spring quarter - getting drunk off my ass, dodging my student loan officer, and avoiding the blue-collar work I'm chained for life to. I was thinking if I wanted to walk in 2010 or 2011. if I walk next spring, I won't really have anyone to converse/enjoy the moment with.. or I can wait a year to walk with my favorite ladies. or, I could fuck it all and not walk. it's overrated like prom. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to handle the work load to graduate in time, but I just got back my economics paper today. 48/50. I may be hella lazy, but I got some mad skills at bullshit. gave me validation/encouragement that I can do this. liberal arts degree, here I come! new york city here I come! becoming part of the status quo! yeah!
I have to wake up in exactly 5 hours. why? because my whore of a dentist refuses to give me any other slot time but the cursed 7 a.m. slot. I have waited 3 weeks for this appointment - I have no choice but to go. monthly teeth cleaning. (I kid, more like every 3-5 months, or whenever I have dental insurance lolz. mostly more of the latter though. insurance has become a rare commodity these days for me.)
I just have to survive today and tomorrow's midterm - then I'm freee fallllin' (kings of convenience cover, s'il vous plait).
oh, and p.s:
wub ya.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
this is ridiculous
two pills of XR is going haywire in my body. I have never been more distracted in my entire fucking life. what, this is the 3rd post today? maybe because I have a lot on my mind, so it sticks on one topic and focuses intensely on it and then it'll immediately jump to the next one within the next hour and I'll contemplate on it for a longass time... meanwhile, my studying goes untouched. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
I shouldn't have taken two pills. I feel so sick. thank god I didn't chase it with pabst. my body is shaking and I dry heaved about an hour ago. something is wrong. now I just can't sleep, my mind is racing. I've said this already. class starts at 10. fuckkk. i hate two hour classes. then after class, i have to drive Aubrey to her dentist appointment. come back, go to another two hour class. meet up with group after class. pretend to care about group presentation. go back to bed, study for wednesday's midterm, but sleep early so I can wake up for my 7 a.m. dentist appointment before going to class. come back. take the world's fattiest nap. awake. take only 10 mg of XR this time to study for socil midterm on thursday. after thursday at 3:30 p.m., the world won't see me. I'm crashing for three days and sleeping in. nothing and nobody will matter to me. not even alcohol. I just want to be alone, in the dark, and sleep forever.
after another round of forced contemplation and wreckless abandon of trying to memorize communication theories - I've decided to graduate in a year. I'm not going to minor in anything. I'm going to take 15 credits this summer at SU so I can leave by this time next year. I'm getting the hell out of Seattle. I may take the extra year to work/volunteer/travel/drink/etc. but that's the plan. I've been debating this topic for a long time now. I really don't want to minor in anything. I don't want to double major. I just want to get my undergraduate degree and call it a day. This means I won't be trasnferring to UW. Why bother? It'll just take me 5 years to graduate instead of 3. I probably won't be leaving Seattle (the city) for awhile though - not until I secure a job, pay off some student loans, save up enough money so I can go to grad school in another city. I've finally made a decision about this. I'll graduate college by the time I'm 20 - then I'm thrown into the real world before I hit 21. That's fucking scary. But I'm forcing myself to buckle down and git er done - cause I'm done with college. I was done with college fall freshmen quarter.
Now I just sound like a crazy rambling woman. You shoudl see me type this blog - fingers are flying at warped speed.
I shouldn't have taken two pills. I feel so sick. thank god I didn't chase it with pabst. my body is shaking and I dry heaved about an hour ago. something is wrong. now I just can't sleep, my mind is racing. I've said this already. class starts at 10. fuckkk. i hate two hour classes. then after class, i have to drive Aubrey to her dentist appointment. come back, go to another two hour class. meet up with group after class. pretend to care about group presentation. go back to bed, study for wednesday's midterm, but sleep early so I can wake up for my 7 a.m. dentist appointment before going to class. come back. take the world's fattiest nap. awake. take only 10 mg of XR this time to study for socil midterm on thursday. after thursday at 3:30 p.m., the world won't see me. I'm crashing for three days and sleeping in. nothing and nobody will matter to me. not even alcohol. I just want to be alone, in the dark, and sleep forever.
after another round of forced contemplation and wreckless abandon of trying to memorize communication theories - I've decided to graduate in a year. I'm not going to minor in anything. I'm going to take 15 credits this summer at SU so I can leave by this time next year. I'm getting the hell out of Seattle. I may take the extra year to work/volunteer/travel/drink/etc. but that's the plan. I've been debating this topic for a long time now. I really don't want to minor in anything. I don't want to double major. I just want to get my undergraduate degree and call it a day. This means I won't be trasnferring to UW. Why bother? It'll just take me 5 years to graduate instead of 3. I probably won't be leaving Seattle (the city) for awhile though - not until I secure a job, pay off some student loans, save up enough money so I can go to grad school in another city. I've finally made a decision about this. I'll graduate college by the time I'm 20 - then I'm thrown into the real world before I hit 21. That's fucking scary. But I'm forcing myself to buckle down and git er done - cause I'm done with college. I was done with college fall freshmen quarter.
Now I just sound like a crazy rambling woman. You shoudl see me type this blog - fingers are flying at warped speed.
I am nothing without the spring memory of you.
I don't really remember what I was even looking for in the first place.
I crazy crazy miss the memories of us. It was simple. Underrated. Almost tangible. I could touch, smell, eat it - a ghost of an emotion that I've lost over countless confused hours where I tried replacing you with fruitless things like smoking and drinking. I never thought I would miss you. Never thought that at 4 a.m. after such a constant rush of moving and shaking - that when I am alone, stationary under the covers, deep in my thoughts, crying over spilled milk - that the only thought I have running through my feeble body is that I honest to god just fucking miss you.
There is no point in getting in contact with you again. You've moved on. I've moved on. You're happy. I'm not. Opposite ends of the spectrum; you and I. It was fun making you apart of my history though - through all the bullshit, and all your assholery, at least I was a respected woman in your eyes at the ripe ol' age of 13. An ugly duck in front of my own mirror, but for god knows why, a striking and vivacious girl in yours. Now you're just an anecdote I tell girlfriends when we're recounting past encounters, past loves, past flings, past "oh-my-god what was I thinking?", past relationships... over cocktails and with 'When Harry met Sally' in the background. It gives me comfort to know that even though Harry was a dick to Sally, in the end, Sally forgave him.
I wish you the best. Don't forget that we still have that pact when we both turn 35. Look me up in fifteen years. It'll be interesting to see how you turned out. Wonder if you'll still be a prick.
"Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."
I don't know where all this is coming from. I am entirely focused on this one thing, this one emotional crisis (definitely not a breakdown) that is bugging me and I am completely ignoring my studies. The adderall is working... except ON THE WRONG thing to focus on. Instead, I am worse off than ever before. I have nothing but hatred; digging up past memories for references, a timeline to meet, and pictures of you. Too bad I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. There is nothing left for me to hold onto. I just hate you. I say this with confidence because forced contemplation for over 10 hours gives me a lot of time to think. Repressed memories become nothing but residue. I accept what has happened. It's all just simply mounting into this pile of complete horseshit. I am a stupid girl. I hate that you think I'm naive at relationships and love. I hate it. You know nothing about my life or my past. I dare you to fucking call me naive again.
I crazy crazy miss the memories of us. It was simple. Underrated. Almost tangible. I could touch, smell, eat it - a ghost of an emotion that I've lost over countless confused hours where I tried replacing you with fruitless things like smoking and drinking. I never thought I would miss you. Never thought that at 4 a.m. after such a constant rush of moving and shaking - that when I am alone, stationary under the covers, deep in my thoughts, crying over spilled milk - that the only thought I have running through my feeble body is that I honest to god just fucking miss you.
There is no point in getting in contact with you again. You've moved on. I've moved on. You're happy. I'm not. Opposite ends of the spectrum; you and I. It was fun making you apart of my history though - through all the bullshit, and all your assholery, at least I was a respected woman in your eyes at the ripe ol' age of 13. An ugly duck in front of my own mirror, but for god knows why, a striking and vivacious girl in yours. Now you're just an anecdote I tell girlfriends when we're recounting past encounters, past loves, past flings, past "oh-my-god what was I thinking?", past relationships... over cocktails and with 'When Harry met Sally' in the background. It gives me comfort to know that even though Harry was a dick to Sally, in the end, Sally forgave him.
I wish you the best. Don't forget that we still have that pact when we both turn 35. Look me up in fifteen years. It'll be interesting to see how you turned out. Wonder if you'll still be a prick.
"Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."
I don't know where all this is coming from. I am entirely focused on this one thing, this one emotional crisis (definitely not a breakdown) that is bugging me and I am completely ignoring my studies. The adderall is working... except ON THE WRONG thing to focus on. Instead, I am worse off than ever before. I have nothing but hatred; digging up past memories for references, a timeline to meet, and pictures of you. Too bad I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. There is nothing left for me to hold onto. I just hate you. I say this with confidence because forced contemplation for over 10 hours gives me a lot of time to think. Repressed memories become nothing but residue. I accept what has happened. It's all just simply mounting into this pile of complete horseshit. I am a stupid girl. I hate that you think I'm naive at relationships and love. I hate it. You know nothing about my life or my past. I dare you to fucking call me naive again.
This Machine
I have never felt more alone than I do right now. Just some sad 19 year old girl, hopped up on pills, trying to study for her midterm in 8 hours.
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