Dear Corona(s)

I am super drunk. "Super" is superior than "slightly". I miss you so much. I love airports. People come and go, people say goodbye and they say hello, they say I love Yous and they leave with a sick hope in their haearts for better times. I am going home in a 12+ hours. Christina will be waiting with open arms at the airport, and I will greet her like family, perhaps even a hug? No, that might be a bit too much... although you never know in th e moment what might happen. Yes.. I think I might hug you. : )

I am spending my last night in Seattle with a few good friends and a couple of beers. I was so sad earlier today.... I went to Central in hopes to talkign my teacher into giivng me a good grad,e, but I fucked up hardxcore. I dunno... whatever? I'll take it in stride, with a big fucking leap, hope in my heart, that i'll be okay in that class and classes at Su. it was my fault... I was filled with apathy, uncaring, resentfu;;ll, the weight of responsibitly in getting a degree... it was too much this quarter. But now, I care. Isn't that odd? I actally care. You make me care. You make me want to be a better person.

I have a song for you. Stars - Undertow. Look it up. It reminds me of you everytime I listen to it. I have never felt this way before. I feel scared. I am scared. I don't know what to tell yo,u. I am scared of what can be, of whwa tcould be... I am so used to dicking around or being dicked around with... it's hard for me to focus on the present. I am really scared. I am so fucking scared.

I have a heavy heart right now. I want to hear your voice, your touch, your lips. I want to hold your hand. It's hard to define what this is. Are we more than a drunken blog post? YOu make me want to write. You make me want to care. It's ridiculosu. I am so scared... I am so used to being a crazy, uncaring, self-deprecating woman. But you, you make me feel like a little kid. It happened so quickl, I didnt even see it coming (pun) ha. You will always be the better person on this highway. You have more balls than I do.

I relaly don't know what else to tell you. I am sitting, here, durnk as hell (what else is new), and all I can think of is the day when you can say "hello" to me again. I have never been a sap. I never considered a relationship. (Is this even a relationship?) I am a ramblin' free roaming fuck. But you, you make me want to stand still. Isnt that absurd? You are a bit of a shit though lol. Still slightly mad at you, but I will always want you to hold me (even though you are an idiot for not coming last night).

I am so full of shit. I really am. What the FUCK is going on?? I have always held myself in this image I've created for myself. I am: uncaring, unresponsive, unrequited... and yet, I am waiting on my front steps, smoking a cigarette with this sick hope that you are right around the corner.

Thank god I am leaving tomorrow morning. I am disgusted at the sight of myself. I have never been like this before. I have prided myself on being able to quit when I know it'll become something more. But this? I want to be able to look back on ten years and think to myself, "wow, you were a stupid girl, but at least you took a chance, and that's more thaen anyoene can ask of you."



I am on my fourth beer and still thinking of you. I am filled with silliness and a tidal wave of crashing emotions that can only be descibred as, well, me missing you like hell. I am inarticulate drunk and even sober. I am a goof around you. One day, I'll let my guard down, and you can actually hear mmy normal laugh. I laugh hysterically, I gasp for air, I hold my stomach and tears slid edown my face. It's a sickening sight, and I really don't want you to see it. Only because I'm an idiot when I can't control my laugh.

Actually, I may have let my guard down around you already...



Your apal,
Carolyn hYyuynh

Just kidding!!

My day got a lot better. I am a complete goof.

Am currently debating if I should go to psych, pack, or write my essay.


I'm pretty sure I'm just going to take a fattyass nap.


I think I might miss you. Maybe. Just a little. I am still irritated at you, though. : )

Dear College

NOPE, I am still a fuck-up. same piece of shit as always. fuck you hardxcore, college.

am seriously considering dropping out again. I do not give a fuck if I will always be stuck as another blue-collar citizen of the united states of fucking america.


fuck you and fuck your mother.


I have completely fucked up this quarter. It really is all my fault, which makes it worse. I hate my life.


Your fucking Pal,
Carolyn K. Huynh

Dear California

So I bought me a ticket
I caught a plane to Spain
Went to a party down a red dirt road
There were lots of pretty people there
Reading rolling stone, reading vogue
They said, how long can you hang around?
I said a week, maybe two,
Just until my skin turns brown
Then I'm going home to California
California I'm coming home
Oh will you take me as I am
Strung out on another man
California, I'm coming home.

-Joni Mitchell "California"


I am nervous. It is an odd idea- seeing my family for only a few hours and then catching a flight back to Seattle the next morning. My mother has no idea I'll be in LA for three days, she thinks I am flying in for one day/a couple of hours. I'm only stopping by my house to see my dog and to ask for help on rent money. It'll be strange... seeing them again. Hopefully, I won't look too shitfaced when I show up on my front steps after Mexico.

I hope Buckley still remembers who I am.

I am excited for: the Hughes' sisters, Thyvu, gorgeous French men, making Thanksgiving dinner, Buckley, good conversations, margaritas in Mexico, getting the hell out of Seattle, seeing my whore of a sister, and I suppose the idea of home; whatever that means.



I sure hope the weather is nice down there. I'm kidding. It's always nice.


Your Pal,
Carolyn K. Huynh

Dear Sir

My body feels heavy, my mind is racing, my heart is doing flips. I am more paranoid and anxious than normal. I have two essays, two books to read, a flight to catch, a few old friends to see, a dog to hug, a sister to tell how much of a whore she is.... it's all jumbled in my brain. In the end, it is superfluous in the grand scheme, because none of it wouldn't be as important without you. You make me want to brush my hair, put on contacts, stop being an ass, go to classes, put on make-up, hell, you make me want to leave the house - and that's saying a lot.


You are one brave soul for taking me on.


I feel strange. I don't think I've ever quite experienced this kind of happiness without the help of a couple glasses of wine and a few cigarettes. Hm...

I am off to Chinatown for a last hurrah with Amrit before she leaves. girl talk rawr rawr. I'll probably go back home, crawl into my bed, turn off the lights, watch a couple more episodes of Zeitgeist (9/11 totally inside job, bitch), procrastinate on my essay... but for some odd reason, the idea of taking a fatty nap doesn't come to mind. wow. fuck's sake, I'm already a changed woman.


Your pal (you are more than a pal)
Carolyn K. Huynh

"Carolyn, you are never full of shit."



Thought that was one of the best things anyone has ever said about me.

Dear Twilighters

Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Let me just preface this by saying that the twilight movie was amazing. Don't get me wrong, it was COMPLETE shit. ABSOLUTELY horrible. But it was so funny. I could not contain my laughter at all during the entire movie. Aubrey was worse than me though. Oh GOD it was BRILLIANT. I am on such a high right now. I am cracking open a Corona right now (sry Cherlaine, I'm drinkin' yo beer), and talking over the fucking brilliant scenes in Twilight. We are definitely going back, but this time, we're bringing alcohol... and Alex Casper (hahah!). Every time Edward Cullen smiles his crooked smile.. we have to take a shot. A shot of BEER. Oh fuck, I am kinda drunk right now. Hella funny. It was haella funny. fuck fuck fuck, I'm shitfaced because I my grammar and spellin is a bit off. apologies. apologies all around.

Okay, I am in a really good mood right now. I plan on drinking till 8:15 - when my class starts aand show up shitfaced and drunk as hell. I hella fucking skipped today. Slept right through my 8:15 and central class and just plain skippd out on psych. Cherlaine wasn't going to go , so I sure as hell wasn't. God, I'm so inartcculate right now. package deal mofuckers.

The thing that was so sad, was all the fuckin single girls in the crowd and the older women. so sad. so desperate. GOD i hope I'm not like that. OR END UP LIKE THAT. jesuschrist.

Aubrey is getting another beer for me. hahaha.

aw shit. we have having an intense talk about traveling right now. We really want to go to Europe this summer, and bring my bffl, Christina with us. Christina is amazing. she really is. she's such a free-spirit. Christina, if you are reading this, I will go with you to the middle east and beyond. Aubrey and I want to travel with you so much; you'd be the best fucking person to travel with. All we really need is a backpack, a couch, and alcohol. Ya dig? Can't wait to see you, homegirl.

God, I'm a blubbering drunk fool.

I just want to get the hell out of here. Aubrey is such a freespirit. I wouldn't say I am so much a freespirit, but I definitely do NOT say no to anything. I will do anything I deem is utterly stupid. I skinnydipped in Canada with her and I half-skinnydipped with her at Volcano park in the fountain. I sure as hell will take off my clothes with her in Europe and beyond. Christina is amazing. she called me one afternoon, told me to pack my bags, and within a few hours we were off on a road trip to san francisco. we went to the park, I played my dulcimer, and she sang Joni Mitchell. Do you see how awesome the people I know are?? DO YOU??

so shitfaced, I am. I have about five more hours to go before my class starts. i REALY need to go. it's been too long since I've gone. fuck you hardxcore, core classes. I really don't give a fuck. I REALLY don't care if it takes me 5 years to graduate, you are absolutely unnecsssary in my life.

Christina is the instigator. she really is. I have lived vicariously through her for far too long. she is the one with the plan, I am her sheep. aubrey has pledged her allegience to her as well - though she has never met her. I tell her all the great stories about her and she too, is in love with her. So, Christina Hughghes, Hughges, Hughes, fuck sorry too drunk to spell your name right, we will follow you throughout the world having crazy adventures. both of the drunk and sober variety. hopefully, more of the drunk variety.

I am feeling really good right now. I can't explain this feeling. I was feeling really sad earlier, but now, after seeing how silly the world really is, and having a good drunken conversation with a really good friend, Ive realized that beauty is subjective. I will always find beauty in everything. I just hope that one day, this naive feeling I have deep within myself. this sick perservering hope that I carry with me, in my heart, will one day help me out. I hope to fall hopelessly in love one day. this earthquake shattering mind blowing feeling and emotionssa that make me feel real. you make me feel real. you want to know why I keep eating those goddamn vietnamese sandwiches? it's because I carry that sick hope with me everywhere - I hope that whenever I eat it, it won't hurt me. is this a good or a bad thing? it's really up to you to decide.

I am on literally on a drunken rant. this is a hellva of a long blog. if you hav ekept up with my crazy rant by now, then kudos. pats on the back.


I ahve hope. such, sickening hope, that it'll be alright. everything, I mean. I am a fool. a complete fuck up. but you know what? that's alright. at least I'm not a 50 year old woman wearing a twilight shirt and crying over robert pattinson. I'm doing pretty well for a nineteen year old. I have grandiose plasn which i will follow through on. I want to go to prague. Oh god, how I want to go to prague so badly. and greece. italy, tibet, india.... I want to help, volunteer, I want to do the fucking best I can in this fucked up crazy world I live in.


I can be better. I know I can. As much as a drunken fool as I am, I have two hands, two feet, two eyes, two ears, and one heart. That's enough, right? Please, tell me it is.


This blog has absolutely NO direction. I originaly want ed to talk abotu Twilight but, notw that the alcohol has hit me. I am lost. I am a completely lost soul. As ella so elqouently put it, I am lost with an apathetic elan.


Forgive me for being such a sorry excuse for a human being. I'll make it up one day, I promise. I may not end up doing anything great with my life, nor will I cure cancer. But, I'll try m fucking best to save everyone, one by one, as best as I can.


your Pal,a
a
scarolyn ahyuynh